The day After

to say that i am glad that what happened has happened would be a fucking lie.... at this moment i have yet to understand what the universe was trying to teach me by having you in my life... i hope that answer comes to me soon....someone i have known during this time has told me you'll never know if you dont step forward to find out... and i let my expectations get the better of me....i came away empty-handed.... you'll enjoy your beaches and your coffee... you'll clear your mind and fill your lungs with the air of this different place.... and i will remain here.. sight and thoughts clouded by rejection... misunderstanding... struggling to breathe against the crushing weight of my own self-judgement...it wasnt the flames of an overzealous passion that burned me... it was a jolt from something i knew i shouldnt have touched--should have gone with that gut-feeling of ''leave it alone... it does no good to you...."but like everyone said... even my own conscience... i wouldnt have known....it seemed there was no reason that i thought "WTF?" when i looked at you and as though it was only natural that everything that would ever happened... indeed happened.... a very apt description....this is exactly what my life is?.... in the best way possible?...

Still

alcohol flame in my bloodstream

sold my heart to the devil when i hit dead end

bought myself a hard pack of cigarettes in the early morning rain

lately my heart don't feel like mine

my eyes see scotoma all the time

hoping to hold you in my arms one time

lost you just the same

please guide me to go straight

i hope it's not too late

i found myself face down in a ditch

booze in my hair

blood in my lips

a picture of you without your fake eyelash

in my broken ipad

still don't know what love means

been so long since i seen your face

or felt a part of this human race

i've been living out of this here suitcase for way too long

i needs something that i can hold onto

a woman like you or a woman like you

either one of them things will do

Draft in my email

to: xxxxxxxxx@xxxxx.com

subject: what i thinking when i go drinking

i know you dont like to read but please bear with me. it only take 10 to 15 minutes of you life and you will never get it back. im so sorry about that.im not saying that after you read this you will be enlighten or refresh, it will waste your time, make you wanna puke or laugh hard, it depend on your feeling though.

i know this must be the pussiest way to say thing but i had to do it.these days i just can't seem to say what i mean. i just can't. especially to you. every time i try to say something, it misses the point. either that or i end up saying the opposite of what i mean. the more i try to get it right the more mixed up it gets. sometimes i can't even remember what i was trying to say in the first place. it's like my body's split in two and one of me is chasing the other me around a big pillar. we're running circles around it.the other me has the right words, but i can never catch him.hence the email.

some people say if you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price.believe me that i want to know the answer badly, but what more important is how do i ask the question.one thing is sure.i have to do something. i have to do the best i know how at the moment.if it doesn't turn out right, hopefully i can modify it as i go along.i really hope so.but if something did happen, it happened. whether it's right or wrong. i accept everything that happens, and i promise you that.

before i go deeper in what this email is really about, let me tell you a bit about me, so you know how hard is this thing for me. i'm not a decent human being.that sentence would be understatement of the year.but seriously i'm not a good guy.i cheat, i lied, i take advantage of other people.i'll be the first to admit that the life i'm leading is basically a joke. i should probably be a lot cooler about it, but i can't fake it, you know? i'm so in love with myself some time it hurt other.there are some things about myself i can’t explain to anyone. there are some things i don’t understand at all. i can’t tell what i think about things or what i’m after. i don’t know what my strengths are or what i’m supposed to do about them. but if i start thinking about these things in too much detail the whole thing gets scary. and if i get scared i can only think about myself. i become really self-centered, and without meaning to, i hurt people. so i’m not such a wonderful

human being.

between the end of that strange january and the approach of november last year, my life went on without change. each day would dawn without incident and end as it had begun. it rained a lot in september. october had several warm, sweaty days. aside from the weather, there was hardly anything to distinguish one day from the next. i worked at concentrating my attention on the real and useful.but when december come, thing a little bit different.at the moment we only knew each other for about a year plus.for me at that time you just another girl i know that i can hang up with, talk about thing,make fun of each other,pick me up for dinner and movies.i know you as a short,weed smoking,crazy,cool(i have to admit),passionate,kinda cute chick.it been a while, from the time when my heart gradually started to change and the time i began to feel alone from some point whenever i saw you. but after we spend more time together i realize i kinda have a feeling for you.at that moment im not very sure why my heart got hook on you.i never believe this as the real thing.everything, everything seemed once-upon-a-time.as a friend to remain as a friend i think this feeling is not so ethical.so i retrace back all those thing that we do to find what made this feeling tick of.that doesn't work.i know absolutely nothing about you.what i know is that you get angry what you hungry,when you get angry it scary,you and me hate the same thing,yeah that kinda romantic but that all that i know about you.i read somewhere that they said all this feeling toward you is like a piece of paper, burn them, and what stays in my heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish.i try that approach.and the result is the same.the feeling still there.but still i'm not sure about this feeling.so i do what i always do, ignore it for a while and maybe the feeling will go away.and i did that although "for a while" is a phrase whose length can't be measured.at least by the person who's waiting.unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by. the past increases, the future recedes. possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting.

memory is a funny thing. when i was in the scene, i hardly paid it any mind. i never stopped to think of it as something that would make a lasting impression, certainly never imagined that three months later i would recall it in such detail. i didn't give a damn about the scenery that day. i was thinking about myself. i was thinking about the beautiful girl walking next to me. i was thinking about the two of us together, and then about myself again. it was the age, that time of life when every sight, every feeling, every thought came back, like a boomerang, to me. and worse, i still had those feeling. feeling with complications.we're both looking at the same moon, in the same world. we're connected to reality by the same line. all i have to do is quietly draw it towards me.i may be the type who manages to grab all the pointless things in life but lets the really important things slip away.but not this time.there is one moment when i peered into your eyes, wondering if you were still drunk, but they were once again your usual cool, intelligent eyes. you were far from drunk.there wasn't a reason in the world not to find you appealing.your smile steps offstage for a moment, then does an encore, all while i'm dealing with my blushing face.and there all i see, nothing in the real world is as beautiful as the illusions of a person about to lose consciousness.for a brief time i was here,and for a brief time i'm mattered.but i didn't do anything.all i do was sit in the corner reading my book while dreaming about you. sometimes i think that's the only right thing to do.

and after that i still try to distance myself from you, and i fail big time.every sms,gtalk,email or call reduced me to pure concept.my flesh had dissolved; my form had dissipated. i floated in space. liberated of my corporeal being, but without dispensation to go anywhere else.i was adrift in the void. somewhere across the fine line separating nightmare from reality.it confuse me, it kills me, floors me and send me to the ground and at the same time it made my blood pressure going, made me six feet off the ground.i look up at the sky, wondering if i'll catch a glimpse of answer there, but i don't. all i see are indifferent rainy clouds drifting over the apartment.and they have nothing to say to me.and then i realize that every single thing that i do is a desperate attempt to get your attention.i don't know if you notice it but it kinda sad.

it's hard to tell the difference between sea and sky, between voyager and sea.between reality and the workings of the heart.i never understand that but you were on my mind at least nine tenths of yesterday.that crazy right. it seem as if perhaps i'd gone insane.what is it about you that has commandeered my brains? maybe its your laugh or maybe it's the way when i look at your face i feel relieve, i feel warm and i feel right.for a certain kind of person, love begins from something tiny or silly. from something like that or it doesn't begin at all.

no mistake about it. ice is cold; roses are red;beer taste good; i'm in love with you.there i said it. and this love is about to carry me off somewhere. the current's too overpowering; i don't have any choice. it may very well be a special place, some place i've never seen before. danger may be lurking there, something that may end up wounding me deeply, fatally. i might end up losing everything. but there's no turning back. i can only go with the flow. even if it means i'll be burned up, gone forever.

i know the feeling is always changing.i know the love is always shifting or wavering. it's always questioning or inflating or disappearing or denying or hurting. and the thing is, i can't do anything about it, i can't control it.you love someone, you open yourself up to suffering, and that's the sad truth. maybe you'll break my heart, maybe i'll break your heart and never be able to look at myself in the same way. those are the risks. that's the burden. i'm not promised you anything but i will do the best i can with the knowledge i have.

if you asked "but why should you be interested in me?" good question. i can’t explain it myself right this moment. but maybe – just maybe – if we start getting together and talking, after a while something like John Mayer’s soundtrack music will start playing in the background, and a whole slew of concrete reasons why i’m interested in you will line up out of nowhere. with luck, it might even snow for us.

i was just wondering if you'd come along,hold up my head when my head won't hold on. i'll do the same if the same is what you want. but if not i'll go.i'll go alone.

She

she seem so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon....

you think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her...but everthing you think you know is wrong...passion flow through her like a river of blood...

she is not waiting...not quite...it is more that the years mean nothing to her anymore...that the dreams and the street cannot touch her...

she remains on the edges of time...implacable...unhurt...beyond...and one day you will open your eyes and see her...and after that..the dark...

it is not reaping...instead..she will pluck you...gently..like a feather..or a flower for her hair...

there are a hundred things she has tried to chase away the things she wont remember and that she cant even let herself think about because thats when the birds scream and the worms crawl and somewhere in her mind its always raining a slow and endless drizzle...

yes...she damaged at best...like ive already figured out...but i can still see her reflection inside of her eyes...that are looking for purpose... they're still looking for life...

she may have lost her way now... but i hope she haven't forgotten her way home...

she thinks she used to be beautiful but not now...she wrong...

she only looked away for a moment...and the mask slipped and you fell...all your tommorrow start here....

Worst case scenario

you will hear that she has left the country...that there was a gift she wanted you to have...but it is lost before it reaches you...late on night the telephone will sing...and a voice that might be hers will say something that you cannot interpret before the connection crackles and is broken....

several years later...from a taxi...you will see someone in a doorway who look like her...but she will be gone by the time you pursuade the driver to stop...you will never see her again...

whenever it rains you will think of her...

My maxis

if i call and she pick up and we talk for a long time

that would be high

if i call and it goes to voice mail

that give me some hope

if i call and it didnt get through

it hurts for a while

if i call and she pick up and then she hung up on me

that when gravity kick in

if i call and she pick up and we talk and then she hung up

that would be akward

if i call and she pick up and we talk and then i hung up on her

then i need to go

if i call and she pick up and put me on hold because the is another call coming through

it like slap in the face

if she call

that would be near imposible

if the phone doesnt ring....its me

Some question

if you should ask me where ive been all this time...i have to say "things happen"....i hit the floor again...ive open up to suffering... and that's the sad truth...feeling are disturbing...had i done the right thing by telling?...who wanted the right thing anyway...yet what meaning could there be if nothing was right?...if nothing was fair?...its easier to regret your awkward conversations but hard to regret the ones you didnt have...ive always done whatever i felt like doing in life...people may try to stop me...and convince me im wrong...but i wont change...while i was staring at the sun....you took everthing...and now im dumb...

ask me where i have been and i will tell you “things keep on happening”...i dwell on places i should forget....im longing the things that i dont have...i stuck in infinite loop of rerun of old series...watching fucking tv all the time makes a fool...it turns out wanting something doesnt make it real....no matter how elaborately you fool yourself....

if you question me..am i ok?....i want to say yes....and then reality kick in...so the answer is no....but im working on it...once upon a time i was so high...but then ive been low...and it ok...for a while...you know...i just get so lonely sometimes...i need a hug for a moment and the moment passes... and im good....

if you should ask me do i have regret?...i tell you...queen takes jack...you got me this time but ill get you back.... so pick a number...and if i had an offer to be better id decline...and if it were more awful to consider id be fine...and if it were all my fault... that im that...and ive pined and ive

regretted that i aided and abetted... this end and if it isnt...it will be soon you bet it will be ....and the tapes are in the fire.... go to bed because im tired ...of saying it is done ....because ive always been a liar.....and if it were all my fault that im bitter...

ask me about my love life? i have to say "two people can sleep in the same bed and still be alone when they close their eyes"....she ask to many question...most of it i cant answer...i ask her the same...and she also dont have solution to the question...she said one thing...i said another...the next thing i knew i wanted to spend more time in the middle of that conversation...but then there’s the morning after...a hangover...and the realization that we not quite as available as

we thought we were the night before....mistakes were made...hearts were broken...harsh lessons learned...and like that....poooff....

if you should ask me what change?...nothing change...and that the fucking problem...

Bodoh

how come dumb stuff seems so smart while youre doing it...
gampang

God mode

most of the stories in this life have that much in common...the place they arrive at in the end was not the place i was expecting them to go when i set out...sometimes the only way i would know that a story had finished was when there werent any more words to be written down....
the story i thought i was setting out to write was more shorter...much more fablelike....and it not end like that...i dont know how it did end originally anymore...there was some kind of ending.....but once the story was underway the real ending become inevitable....

Nine nine nine

because we do not know when we will die....
we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well....
and yet everything happens only a certain number of times.....
and a very small number really....
how many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood....
an afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you cannot conceive of your life without it?...
perhaps four....
or five times more?....
perhaps not even that.....
how many more times will you watch the full moon rise?....
perhaps twenty.....
and yet it all seems limitless...

fuck yeah....damnit....nothing happen....

Mirror

they appear to tell the truth...
to reflect life back at us...
but...
set a mirror correctly...
and it will lie so convincinly...
angle it right....
and a mirror become magic casement...
it can show you anything you can imagine and maybe a few thing you cant....

Soalan

beb ape maksud org tu bila die tanya "lu kerja mane?"...
die tanye office lu kat mane ke...
atau die tanye name company lu ape...
confius beb....
gua asyik bagi jawapan silap je....
ade tak jawapan default yg bleh jawap soalan nie...

Ramadan

yeah im weak ... nothing new eh...same story different chapter....crap...
selamat berpuasa bitches!!!

Panacea

i wanted a perfect ending....now ive learned....the hard way....that some songs dont rhyme...and some stories dont have a clear beginning....middle....and end.....life is about not knowing....having to change.....taking the moment and making the best of it.....without knowing whats going to happen next.....delicious ambiguity...we are 12 billion light years from the edge.....thats a guess ...no one can ever say its true....but i know that i will never be a mere memory...

Eleven urgh

its all well and good to talk about happy endings....
but if a person cant deliver.....if she keeps screwing up....
well....
eventually i guess you kinda just have to say fuck you.....
or words to that effect....
squaring the circle my friend....
squaring the circle....

All hope is gone

there are various reason why an individual might habitually consume large quantities of alcohol.... but they all effectively boil down to same thing...
it almost 5 in the morning....it been a long day....the elevators are out of service.... so i had to climb the staircase... i dont know... it like hundred of steps.... i live in the eleventh floor for god sake.... im not counting... even though i try...i wont remember it anyway....my head blank from the whiskey...my mouth reeking from cigarettes.... drunk as i get.... im amazed myself for i can climb those step back to my apartment through the whiskey fog....a simple achievement...one has only to accept the fact of being drunk at the face value....no ifs ... ands... buts....only the statement i am drunk plain and simple...
the hallway was a dead silent...more silent than it suppose to be.... thats when i noticed the red pumps at my feet.... red pumps ive seen before...
she was slumped over the dining table....forehead on her arms....profile hidden by straight black hair...a patch of untanned white neckline showed between the strands of hair through the open sleeve of her print dress... one ive seen before... a glimpse of a brassiere strap....looking at her back called up memories...memories of time before ive met her...
"well then" ...i said to her...
as expected ...there were no reply...she should been asleep... should have been crying... or even worse dead...i sat down opposite her and rubbed my eyes...im still not sure...is this a hallucination....or real....maybe my eyes try to cheat me... projecting something that on my head try to make it real....
"want some coffee?" ...i asked her...still no reply....so i make 2 cups of instant coffee...while doing that i asked her again ....
"been here since last night?" ....an ever so slight nod of her head...this might be real... it not a figment of my imagination...to make sure i asked again...
"youve been waiting all this time?" ....no answer....the instant coffee are ready....so i set the 2 mugs on the table...
"drink" ...i said...try to start a conversation while being cool at the same time....still silence...
"be better if you drink something" ....
it was thirty seconds before she raised her head slowly.....evently....and gazed absently at the picture hanging on the wall....a few strands of hair lay plastered againt her dampened cheeks....an aura of wetness about her....
"dont mind me" ... she said...
"i didnt mean to cry" ....i held abox of tissues to her....she quietly blew her nose... and then brushed the hair from the cheek....
"actually... i planned on being gone by the time you returned....i didnt want to see you" .....
"but you changed your mind... i see" ...never been in this situation before...so i try to keep my cool...i lit 2 cigarettes....1 for me and another to her....
"i went to a funeral...when it was over...i went to bar" ...
"you dont need to explain anything to me" ...she said...
"im out of the picture already" .....
"im not explaining....im just making a conversation" ...
she shrugged and pushed her brassiere strap back inside her dress...her face has no expression...she asked me if the deceased is someone she knew....i told her that the dead is an acquaintance of sorts from years back....
"female" ...she asked again....
"ya" ...is my answer to that question...she pursed her lips...and then she relaxed...
she take another cigarette and lit it....she inhaled and spat out the smoke....3 times in rapid succession....she drank her coffee....after a while looked me in the face...
"tell me...if i died....would you go out drinking like that?" ... a pensive 60 seconds went by....
"maybe" ...that all i can say to her....honestly i didnt know how to react to that question....another 60 seconds went by....she finished her cigarette and her coffee....
"maybe it good enough for me" ....she packed her things....and before she go out the door she said...
"youre probably right" ....she toying with the lighter that i gave her...
"i come here to talk thing through...but i guess that not the point right now....is it?...i know well enough myself" ......
among the women a man meets in his life...there are only three who have real meaning for him....no more....no less....

Bad luck, blue eyes, goodbye

well....you shouldve called....i wouldnt have answered.....but you couldve text a message...which i wouldve quickly erased....

What make us different

berita sudah habis
18 ekor rimau
3 kupu kupu
bunga melati, abu, si matahari
masalah
nekad
obsessi
mencari 250 atau 350
niat sungguh suci
tapi
kesalahan yang dicipta
hati merah patah
itulah risiko
itulah beban
cuma
pengajaran belum di terima
yang normal
belum pasti mengerti
belum pasti menghargai
masih kabur
masih mentah
hati berdarah
jiwa berkecai
hanya mampu menilai
di waktu ini
di bawah pengaruh
masih kacau
2 pagi
mabuk lagi
tak akan ingat semua
bunga melati, abu, si matahari
teman sepi

STFU

why dont you go into the kitchen...and open the fridge....look in the back....all the way back....theres a can of coke...cold chillin....i want you to reach back there and take it...open it up and take a nice long drink....mmm...was good....wasnt it?...now i want you to look at the can and make sure its a 350ml can.....of Shut The Fuck Up.....

If you see kay

if you see kay...
you...
tell him he may...
you such a beach..
you...
see you and tea...
tell him from me...

it

Remorse

1. _____ are the last drink you never should drunk...
2. _____ is the body hidden in the trunk...
3. _____ is the habit you cant seem to quit...
4. _____ are my secrets on the front page every week...
5. _____ is the car you never should have bought...
6. _____ are the train you never should have caught...
7. _____ are the cut that makes me hide my face....
8. _____ are the party that makes me feel my age...

what is the difference between ignorance and apathy?....
i dont know and i dont care....

Heart

the tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention... that sometimes your heart takes you to places you shouldnt be.... places that are as scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring.....and sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending.....and thats not even the difficult part.....the difficult part is when you follow your heart....you leave normal....you go into the unknown....and once you do.....you can never go back.....

Romantic comedy

a few things ive learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life....a morning of awkwardness is better than a night of loneliness.....

you know most people....they go their whole life and they never find someone they love you know?....they say they do because everybodys the star of their own romantic comedy....but their full of shit....you...me...him...everybody...we had women that loved us for who we were.....really loved us for who we were....and we fucked it up.....for what....some stupid piece of ass we forget about ten minutes later?......

do man are such a dog.?...

actual mathematical equations devoted to this popular question have suggested it is true...though not for the simple reasons you might think....

Sad

the saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad..... you know.... when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go... "no... im happy for you?" thats when its really sad....