i always envy people who can say thing like " i love you" "i miss you" to their family .... to their parent... their brothers and sisters....it make me angry listening to those words... because believe it or not i never said it to my parent or my brother and sister..... never... it kill me when i saw or heard people around me saying that phrase.... it was like " yo dude can you show your affection somewhere else man" or " i know you love them but please ... dont rub it on me" ... something like that... see ... how freak am i?...i really hate when people do that because they got some balls to say that ... and i dont .... i dont know why.... but there a time and place where those phrase are supposed to be said but ... im chicken out the last minute....i really want to say those thing to my family .....but it floor me down when i cant said to them... i even cant text them those phrase.... yeah i know i got issues with this thing but dont tell me something i know ok?.... i can live with uncertainty and not knowing... i think its much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong.... i have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of certainty about different things.... but im not absolutely sure of anything and there are many things i dont know anything about.... such as whether it means anything to ask why we have to do that?.....why suddenly it all on me?.... i dont have to know the answer......i dont feel frightened by not knowing things.... by being lost in a mysterious history without any purpose... which is the way it really is as far as i can tell...... it doesnt frighten me......but..... doubt fuck everything man.....seriously dude...take a foundation.. no matter how strong.... sprinkle generously with doubt... and watch it crumble....everybody born with some different thing at the core of their existence..... and that thing... whatever it is.... becomes like a heat source that runs each person from the inside..... i have one too... of course..... like everybody else..... but sometimes it gets out of hand.... It swells or shrinks inside me....and it shakes me up.....what I really like to do is find a way to communicate that feeling to another person..... but i cant seem to do it...... they just dont get it..... of course.... the problem could be that im not explaining it very well.... or because they not listening very well..... they pretend to be listening.... but they not.... really..... so I get worked up sometimes..... and I do some crazy things.....there comes a time when every dude needs to make a choice.... whether its a professional choice or whether its a personal choice.......in the end.... its about integrity....and its about chasing after what you really want.... even if that means showing you both care a little...... and sometimes... well... sometimes you just have to do whats right for your family.... even if it means sacrificing your own happiness.....your dream.... when it comes down to it....you just have to be proud of the decision you make....relationships are so... fragile.....it just takes one thing....one... tiny little offense...and it can snowball on you.... and if that snowball starts to pick up speed... god forbid.... you better tuck and go dude.....relationships dont work the way they do on television and in the movies..... will they?... wont they?.... and then they finally do.... and they happy forever.....yeah gimme a break..... and im telling you right now....through all this stuff i have not become a cynic.... i havent..... yes... i do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies..... you can call me a sucker...i dont really care....because i do believe in it..... bottom line is... relationship between you and the person you love.... wade through the same crap as everybody else.... but the big difference is they dont let it take them down..... one of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time..... if its right... and they real lucky.... one of them will say something.............yeah im sorry ma.....
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Relationship
i always envy people who can say thing like " i love you" "i miss you" to their family .... to their parent... their brothers and sisters....it make me angry listening to those words... because believe it or not i never said it to my parent or my brother and sister..... never... it kill me when i saw or heard people around me saying that phrase.... it was like " yo dude can you show your affection somewhere else man" or " i know you love them but please ... dont rub it on me" ... something like that... see ... how freak am i?...i really hate when people do that because they got some balls to say that ... and i dont .... i dont know why.... but there a time and place where those phrase are supposed to be said but ... im chicken out the last minute....i really want to say those thing to my family .....but it floor me down when i cant said to them... i even cant text them those phrase.... yeah i know i got issues with this thing but dont tell me something i know ok?.... i can live with uncertainty and not knowing... i think its much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong.... i have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of certainty about different things.... but im not absolutely sure of anything and there are many things i dont know anything about.... such as whether it means anything to ask why we have to do that?.....why suddenly it all on me?.... i dont have to know the answer......i dont feel frightened by not knowing things.... by being lost in a mysterious history without any purpose... which is the way it really is as far as i can tell...... it doesnt frighten me......but..... doubt fuck everything man.....seriously dude...take a foundation.. no matter how strong.... sprinkle generously with doubt... and watch it crumble....everybody born with some different thing at the core of their existence..... and that thing... whatever it is.... becomes like a heat source that runs each person from the inside..... i have one too... of course..... like everybody else..... but sometimes it gets out of hand.... It swells or shrinks inside me....and it shakes me up.....what I really like to do is find a way to communicate that feeling to another person..... but i cant seem to do it...... they just dont get it..... of course.... the problem could be that im not explaining it very well.... or because they not listening very well..... they pretend to be listening.... but they not.... really..... so I get worked up sometimes..... and I do some crazy things.....there comes a time when every dude needs to make a choice.... whether its a professional choice or whether its a personal choice.......in the end.... its about integrity....and its about chasing after what you really want.... even if that means showing you both care a little...... and sometimes... well... sometimes you just have to do whats right for your family.... even if it means sacrificing your own happiness.....your dream.... when it comes down to it....you just have to be proud of the decision you make....relationships are so... fragile.....it just takes one thing....one... tiny little offense...and it can snowball on you.... and if that snowball starts to pick up speed... god forbid.... you better tuck and go dude.....relationships dont work the way they do on television and in the movies..... will they?... wont they?.... and then they finally do.... and they happy forever.....yeah gimme a break..... and im telling you right now....through all this stuff i have not become a cynic.... i havent..... yes... i do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies..... you can call me a sucker...i dont really care....because i do believe in it..... bottom line is... relationship between you and the person you love.... wade through the same crap as everybody else.... but the big difference is they dont let it take them down..... one of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time..... if its right... and they real lucky.... one of them will say something.............yeah im sorry ma.....
Friday, March 20, 2009
Death
you know how i hate roommate right.....this couple of month death is like my roommate....im not saying im suicidal or im thinking about death or experience with death....but couple of friends and family around me are passed away.... at first i dont really give a damn about it... because im not really that close to those people..... one guy used to be close to me... but that a long time ago....and others... some we used to hang out and some were distant cousin or relative....i never have anybody that very close to me died.... except my arwah opah.....when she died at first i dont have this sadness or grieve feeling toward the news.... maybe it because im not there when she passed away .... im somewhere else.... but when i saw the body of arwah ..... only god know how i felt....all the emotions start to show little by little....you start to think what if?....why dont i spend more time with her?....why dont i call her more often?...thing like that a kept playing on your mind..... and i dont realize that there a tear coming from my eyes.... all the cliche about grieve were there..... actually you have been spoon fed with "appreciate those you love while they alive because any day will be their last" sort of thing..... in movies...books...from other people experience....but i dont really take that stories as a reminder.... as something to take note of....at the back of my mind i dont think that this thing will happen to me....it will happen.... but not to me.....that kind of egoistic make me regret more....all of this make me thinking...how do we live or life?....no matter how deep and fatal the loss.... no matter how important the thing that stolen from us....that snatched right out of our hands...even if we are left completely changed....with only the outer layer of skin from before.... we continue to play out our lives this way....in silence....we draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time....bidding it farewell as it trails off behind.....repeating...often adroitly...the endless deeds of the everyday.....leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.....so what can i do now?...most probally nothing....just think about what comes before words..... im owe that to the dead...... as time goes on....maybe i will understand.....what lasts... lasts... what doesnt... doesnt....time solves most things..... and what time cant solve.... i have to solve it myself.... is that too much to ask?....sure...a little maybe...well of course it does...i doubt that this makes sense to most people...... but I think im right..... people die all the time....life is a lot more fragile than we think..... so you should treat others in a way that leaves no regrets...... fairly... and if possible....sincerely....its too easy not to make the effort....then weep and wring your hands after the person dies......but that would be real hard...isnt it?....yes it does.....but its worth trying for.....everything passes....nobody gets anything for keeps.....and that how we have got to live....
rest in peace guys.....al-fatihah....amen....
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Where the light is
well i stand outside in the smoky bar....drinking rain so slow.... and the light are flickering red and green... but i crave cold to black....and the night is swallow me up....watch me down and so...all i want is to be free from the mind which trouble me ...my only friend... is draft on the left and mojito on my right ... if i break up or even bend...i sacrifice who i ever been...im i still the same... all the blame are always fall on me...well im incomplete... so i move around all the puddle special over my feet... my emotion have no bound...and i weep to keep me from drowning down...im so tired from living the way i do.... something got to give.... but im longed to life....who said i was falling... it aint my fault?...no....really?
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday
i was check in by 4....
put the sign on the door.....
look up the window of the 11th floor.....
talk to city that know me by name and all the bad thing that i do......
i shed 5 bitter tears into 5 bitter beers.....
look up my watch and say "when have the year gone".....
im wasting away like a castle of clay....
slowly crumble into.....
i was fucked by 5.....
talking nothing but jive.....
told the bartender he never take me alive......
all of this because i dont sleep for 19 hours straight.....
so i call up marie.....
she have sex for free.....
for a couple of free cocktail she listen to me....
talk about memories and relationship....
and why i can cope up with the scene....
every monday i got this pain....
every wednesday it hit my brain.....
every friday i die.....
cause every day i still dont have my freedom.....
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Rules
well im sick of all the rule....there to many of them....if we follow all of them life would be boring....no more surprise....no more despair.....no more taking chances.....yes.... chances are... i will not live happily ever after.... the overwhelming odds have it ending badly.... and when that happen.... it will be for one of a million possible reasons....but doesnt mean that im not gonna try....and when it does failed.... so help me god.... it not gonna be because of some silly rule.....
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Check Out
so check it out... right...
i try every approach to living...
i try... try it all...
i havent try everything but i try every approach...
sometime you have to try everything...
to get the approach the same...
but...whatever...
i try it all...
bought a bunch of stuff ....
and like nahh .. i dont like that...
i kinda came into that for a couple of time....
i thought i would shut myself off...
i thought maybe that cool....
maybe that what you should have to do to be genius...
is you have to be mad...
so if you could be mad before the word genius...
maybe you can make genius appear...
right?...
that doesnt work either....
and im in a good place...
im pace myself pretty well....
im near 30 ....
ive seen some cool stuff...
made a lot of stuff happen for myself...
im made a lot of stuff happen for myself...
right...
that a really cool sentence when you in your 20s....
"im made it happen for myself man"....
but all that mean...
it that im just somehow i found i way ....
to synthesize love...
or synthesize soothing...
you cant get that...
and what im saying is...
ive mess with all the approach except for one...
and it gonna sound really corny...
but that just love...that just love...
im done everything in my life that i wanna do ...
except just give and feeling love for my living...
and i dont mean like...
roman-candle-firework-hollywood-hot-pink love...
i mean like i-got-your-back love...
i dont need to hear "i love you"...
you guys love me ....
and i love you ....
we got that down....
but some other people who would tell you they love you...
it the same people who be the last who have your back....
so ....
im gonna experiment with this love thing...
giving love...
feeling love...
i know it sound really corny....
but it the last thing i got to check out...
before i check out...
i try every approach to living...
i try... try it all...
i havent try everything but i try every approach...
sometime you have to try everything...
to get the approach the same...
but...whatever...
i try it all...
bought a bunch of stuff ....
and like nahh .. i dont like that...
i kinda came into that for a couple of time....
i thought i would shut myself off...
i thought maybe that cool....
maybe that what you should have to do to be genius...
is you have to be mad...
so if you could be mad before the word genius...
maybe you can make genius appear...
right?...
that doesnt work either....
and im in a good place...
im pace myself pretty well....
im near 30 ....
ive seen some cool stuff...
made a lot of stuff happen for myself...
im made a lot of stuff happen for myself...
right...
that a really cool sentence when you in your 20s....
"im made it happen for myself man"....
but all that mean...
it that im just somehow i found i way ....
to synthesize love...
or synthesize soothing...
you cant get that...
and what im saying is...
ive mess with all the approach except for one...
and it gonna sound really corny...
but that just love...that just love...
im done everything in my life that i wanna do ...
except just give and feeling love for my living...
and i dont mean like...
roman-candle-firework-hollywood-hot-pink love...
i mean like i-got-your-back love...
i dont need to hear "i love you"...
you guys love me ....
and i love you ....
we got that down....
but some other people who would tell you they love you...
it the same people who be the last who have your back....
so ....
im gonna experiment with this love thing...
giving love...
feeling love...
i know it sound really corny....
but it the last thing i got to check out...
before i check out...
AA
my name is ___...
im an addict ....
it been 9 hours since my last fix...
im ok if you care....
but the itch is killing me....
the last 7 days was a blast...
i slept an average 3 hours a day...
most of my time either in office or in datacenter....
how do i know im an addict?...
i no longer watch tv...
i answer my phone even though im asleep...
i no longer have a proper dinner...
i dont have a weekends...
but mostly because of this....
ive turned down an invitation to a bachelor party....
it not an ordinary bachelor party...
it was a bachelor party that you seen on tv shows or movies...
where they have booze and striper....
booze and striper...
damn...
im a workaholic....
yeah....i said it...
i dont want to be like chubby used to be...
i hate this fucking job....
im so quiting this job....
tomorrow... i will get wasted.....
im an addict ....
it been 9 hours since my last fix...
im ok if you care....
but the itch is killing me....
the last 7 days was a blast...
i slept an average 3 hours a day...
most of my time either in office or in datacenter....
how do i know im an addict?...
i no longer watch tv...
i answer my phone even though im asleep...
i no longer have a proper dinner...
i dont have a weekends...
but mostly because of this....
ive turned down an invitation to a bachelor party....
it not an ordinary bachelor party...
it was a bachelor party that you seen on tv shows or movies...
where they have booze and striper....
booze and striper...
damn...
im a workaholic....
yeah....i said it...
i dont want to be like chubby used to be...
i hate this fucking job....
im so quiting this job....
tomorrow... i will get wasted.....
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Hope
are you here to punish us men?....
you got all the quality for us to fall into....
do you were created by pure hatred?...
but you come out beautiful....
this "beautiful evil" were offering seductive gifts....
and they name you ....
all-gifted....
sometime ....
your deceitful feminine nature become least of my worry...
although...
your purpose is to multiply all the trouble....
for you who bring with you a pithos....
at first....
i did not want to throw my life away....
no matter how much the other evils might torment me...
but rather to go on letting myself be tormented anew....
then....
to that end....
you promptly scattered the contents of your pithos....
releasing all the evil of mankind....
but one is left behind.....
elpis....
for a moment elpis was left within her unbreakable house...
before long...
elpis carrying flowers or cornucopia in her hands....
in truth......
it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs my torment....
it dont matter ....
either out of curiosity or malicious act....
yes....
you are anesidora....
you got all the quality for us to fall into....
do you were created by pure hatred?...
but you come out beautiful....
this "beautiful evil" were offering seductive gifts....
and they name you ....
all-gifted....
sometime ....
your deceitful feminine nature become least of my worry...
although...
your purpose is to multiply all the trouble....
for you who bring with you a pithos....
at first....
i did not want to throw my life away....
no matter how much the other evils might torment me...
but rather to go on letting myself be tormented anew....
then....
to that end....
you promptly scattered the contents of your pithos....
releasing all the evil of mankind....
but one is left behind.....
elpis....
for a moment elpis was left within her unbreakable house...
before long...
elpis carrying flowers or cornucopia in her hands....
in truth......
it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs my torment....
it dont matter ....
either out of curiosity or malicious act....
yes....
you are anesidora....
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Free
i wanna smoke cigarette in my sleep...
i wanna drink until my liver cry...
i wanna capture all those moment...
i wanna remembered all those line...
i wanna watch every sunrise on an old bench at the quiet beach...
i wanna read until my finger bleed....
i wanna sleep until im bored....
i wanna hang out until my buntut say fuck off....
i wanna play all video games whenever i want....
i wanna chill everywhere ....
i wanna live in that moment over and over again....
it sound stupid.....but why not?......
i wanna write a song....
when the sky is empty and the earth is dry....
im pouring my passion for you.....
make you crazy and make you thirsty....
i want the whole world to know youre mine....
the weather gone mad and the see is boiling....
that why i want to seize the day....
stop wasting time.....
and be a dream chaser....
an angel like you...
should have wing and name....
should have fatal beauty...
should belong for me once....
the ends of the world scare me not.....
i will keep enjoying myself....
cause creating you make me less piss off.....
i wanna drink until my liver cry...
i wanna capture all those moment...
i wanna remembered all those line...
i wanna watch every sunrise on an old bench at the quiet beach...
i wanna read until my finger bleed....
i wanna sleep until im bored....
i wanna hang out until my buntut say fuck off....
i wanna play all video games whenever i want....
i wanna chill everywhere ....
i wanna live in that moment over and over again....
it sound stupid.....but why not?......
i wanna write a song....
when the sky is empty and the earth is dry....
im pouring my passion for you.....
make you crazy and make you thirsty....
i want the whole world to know youre mine....
the weather gone mad and the see is boiling....
that why i want to seize the day....
stop wasting time.....
and be a dream chaser....
an angel like you...
should have wing and name....
should have fatal beauty...
should belong for me once....
the ends of the world scare me not.....
i will keep enjoying myself....
cause creating you make me less piss off.....
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Wish
dont know why midori came by...
but i could see by the look in her eyes....
midori been drinking at laundry for a while....
playing with the thought of leaving..
dont know why but midori just smiled..
and mentioned something about how you were right..
must have been hard to see through the tears she was hiding...
she said "i might not be seeing him soon"...
"i have got a few things i have been waiting to do"...
midori came by tonight...
she says to say goodbye...
looked outside at the car in the drive...
and the suitcase on the back seat inside...
sure its so she cant look out behind at the road...
dont look down she seemed alright...
you might be asking where is midori tonight?....
somewhere out on the highway im sure she is fine....
but i could see by the look in her eyes....
midori been drinking at laundry for a while....
playing with the thought of leaving..
dont know why but midori just smiled..
and mentioned something about how you were right..
must have been hard to see through the tears she was hiding...
she said "i might not be seeing him soon"...
"i have got a few things i have been waiting to do"...
midori came by tonight...
she says to say goodbye...
looked outside at the car in the drive...
and the suitcase on the back seat inside...
sure its so she cant look out behind at the road...
dont look down she seemed alright...
you might be asking where is midori tonight?....
somewhere out on the highway im sure she is fine....
Monday, February 16, 2009
Fundamentally Loathsome
do you dream that the world will know your name?.... so tell me your name...and do you care about all the little thing or anything at all?...hope you dont....i want to feel all the chemical inside ... i wanna feel... i want to know how it feel to be .25 ....i want a sunburn just to know that im alive....not be zombie without control and feeling ....and that why i have dark skin color....i wanna live just to seize the day when we all get along....i wanna scream ... scream my hatred out loud for everyone to hear....and knowing how screw up i am.....do you believe in the day that you were born? ... please tell me you believe....do you know that everyday is the first of the rest of your life?....i just figure it out recently....and you know the pain that brought you here today ... so what can you fucking do?....and you know the tears for losing those you love .. when yesterday gone....so please remember not to waste another day .... not to worry your mind....dont be a pussy to cash in the winning lottery...and please forgive me for taking so much time ... to get back on my feet....im not sorry for the thing ive done .... but for wasting your time....when you have so much hope in me....what you dont realize is that im always a low-life-scumbag-loser-jerk-man-on-the-side not a update-in-thing-current-issues-classy-default-pretentious-prick that you want me to be....and i will fight it out cause i know i can...and i will sleep tight cause i know i can....i wont surrender....and Dr please dont tell me if im dying ... cause i dont wanna know....if cant see the sun maybe i should go....and dont wake me up because im dreaming of slutty pumpkin....where everyone you know are leaving to soon....
this is to one last day in a shadow ... and to know a brother love...
this to california city angel ... and the crazy people that she met....
this to all of us....
this is to one last day in a shadow ... and to know a brother love...
this to california city angel ... and the crazy people that she met....
this to all of us....
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Tired
flat on the floor looking back...
on old life...
or lack thereof...
after all the crushes are faded...
and all my wishful thinking was wrong...
im jaded...
i hate it....
no im not the man i used to be lately....
see you met me at an interesting time...
if my past is any sign of your future...
you should be warned before i let you inside...
damn...
its kinda hard trying to survive...
in all this crazy weather...
everybody wants my number...
everybody calling my name ...
now all of these people ask me...
is it lonely at the top...
or do I find comfort in all the things I got...
well these car keep me moving...
these wine keep me high...
friends.... check...
money....check...
good times... check...
entertainment... check...
all... check...
all of you.... check...
everyone.... check...
having fun....check...
and i dont know what it is...
no i dont know what it is at all??...
something missing.....
but all I feel alone...
it might be a quarter life crisis....
or just the stirring in my soul ....
so i will check the weather wherever you are...
cause i wanna know if you can see the stars tonight...
might be my only right...
should have smiled in that picture....
if its the last that i will see of you...
its the least that you...
could not do...
i guess its the price i have to pay...
still ....
everything happens for a reason...
3 more traffic light to my apartment but...
i am tempted to keep the car in drive....
and leave it all behind....
you be a bitch because you can....
on old life...
or lack thereof...
after all the crushes are faded...
and all my wishful thinking was wrong...
im jaded...
i hate it....
no im not the man i used to be lately....
see you met me at an interesting time...
if my past is any sign of your future...
you should be warned before i let you inside...
damn...
its kinda hard trying to survive...
in all this crazy weather...
everybody wants my number...
everybody calling my name ...
now all of these people ask me...
is it lonely at the top...
or do I find comfort in all the things I got...
well these car keep me moving...
these wine keep me high...
friends.... check...
money....check...
good times... check...
entertainment... check...
all... check...
all of you.... check...
everyone.... check...
having fun....check...
and i dont know what it is...
no i dont know what it is at all??...
something missing.....
but all I feel alone...
it might be a quarter life crisis....
or just the stirring in my soul ....
so i will check the weather wherever you are...
cause i wanna know if you can see the stars tonight...
might be my only right...
should have smiled in that picture....
if its the last that i will see of you...
its the least that you...
could not do...
i guess its the price i have to pay...
still ....
everything happens for a reason...
3 more traffic light to my apartment but...
i am tempted to keep the car in drive....
and leave it all behind....
you be a bitch because you can....
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Levant Epiphany
have you ever been in dupdvwxv?... horrible isnt it?... it makes you so vulnerable.... it opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up..... you build up all these defenses..... you build up a whole armor... for years... so nothing can hurt you... then one stupid person... no different from any other stupid person... wanders into your stupid life... you give them a piece of you.... they didnt ask for it.... they did something dumb one day... like kiss you or smile at you....and then your life isnt your own anymore..... dupdvwxv takes hostages.... it gets inside you..... it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness.... so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart..... it hurts..... not just in the imagination..... not just in the mind..... its a soul-hurt.... a body-hurt.... a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain..... nothing should be able to do that..... especially not dupdvwxv....
abstain eleventh chippy!!!
abstain eleventh chippy!!!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Verb
in vietnamese...
trong == to think high of, to hold in esteem....
yeah rite....
but in reality...
or in a parallel universe...
it more suitable for this...
trong == totally and utterly fucked up,things are really fucked up...
my life definition is not like throwing a dice in a Lord of The Ring Risk board game ....
but like an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room .....
with blank cards .....
for infinite stakes ....
with a dealer who wont tell you the rules ....
and who smiles all the time ....
im tronged .....
trong == to think high of, to hold in esteem....
yeah rite....
but in reality...
or in a parallel universe...
it more suitable for this...
trong == totally and utterly fucked up,things are really fucked up...
my life definition is not like throwing a dice in a Lord of The Ring Risk board game ....
but like an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room .....
with blank cards .....
for infinite stakes ....
with a dealer who wont tell you the rules ....
and who smiles all the time ....
im tronged .....
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Antipathy
i know...
days will come and go...
but dude we will grow old...
but we will die...
for now...
is it worth it to be sad...
if it's harder to be glad...
to be alive...
but the trouble i have caused...
i wonder....
where do i belong....
is it here?....
laugh about the past...
and secretly...
wish we could go back...
and save the heart....
as i look around this room...
seeing worried eyes i know....
its time we cannot buy....
was this worth the time to write....
days will come and go...
but dude we will grow old...
but we will die...
for now...
is it worth it to be sad...
if it's harder to be glad...
to be alive...
but the trouble i have caused...
i wonder....
where do i belong....
is it here?....
laugh about the past...
and secretly...
wish we could go back...
and save the heart....
as i look around this room...
seeing worried eyes i know....
its time we cannot buy....
was this worth the time to write....
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Desire
hanging out at idaman
the same old thing we did last week
not a thing to do but talk to you
hisap shisa dengan gigi
the aircond suck but we dont care
some will gone but lepak live on
hell yeah
we still rocking in idaman
we're all alright
we're all alright
yeah, haha, oh
play gin rummy untill 4 pagi
loser nye die kena jentik banyak kali
not a thing to do but talk to you
not a thing to do hell yeah
we still rocking in idaman
we're all alright
we're all alright
yeah,oh yeah,oh yeah
menyanyi ikut lagu thats 70s show by Cheap Trick
the same old thing we did last week
not a thing to do but talk to you
hisap shisa dengan gigi
the aircond suck but we dont care
some will gone but lepak live on
hell yeah
we still rocking in idaman
we're all alright
we're all alright
yeah, haha, oh
play gin rummy untill 4 pagi
loser nye die kena jentik banyak kali
not a thing to do but talk to you
not a thing to do hell yeah
we still rocking in idaman
we're all alright
we're all alright
yeah,oh yeah,oh yeah
menyanyi ikut lagu thats 70s show by Cheap Trick
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Rebel
one thing which makes us find so few people who appear reasonable and agreeable in conversation is.... that there is scarcely any one who does not think more of what he is about to say than of answering precisely what is said to him.....what the topic of our conversation when we hangout....what we talk about....i have this set of "friend" that i usually hang out with...we talk about everthing...our past...our litle problem....what we do over the weekend...where we want to go for holiday...we talk about ghost and porn...we talk about who we hate the most...we talk about people who are really annoying and stuff .... basicly we talk about everthing and anything .... that does matter in our pathetic life... which for me was awesome... and fun ....and amazing....and original... but i do have another set of "friend" who talk about current issues....political status in our country and stuff... they talk about the in thing in the news...where this people take the mainstream opinion and discuss it over dinner... they talk about the family and the marriage realtionship... cause most of them are married... and i felt out of place in the conversation...because some of us... the minority are not into that kind of shit yet... so please be reasonable ok ... we are there to.... i also have this set of "friends" who talk about their accomplishment in life... dont be wrong im happy for your success...but do you need to fight among yourself....who have the best job... who have the biggest salary... who have the cool car...who have the beautiful wife/girlfriend... who have the expensive iron.... you guys being doing this thing for a long time .... dont you guy get tired of it .... if you really want to brag because that your thing.... because that your adrenaline rush... why dont you guy fight who are the biggest asshole in the group....fuck face....there another set of "friend" who i use to hangout with them... but we dont see each other much.... recently we met and hangout ...and it was like hello, darkness, my old "friend"... hahaha... it was peculiar....this people that i used to know are totally in a different shell....they not in the same shell that i know them...i was like in the time of chimpanzees i was a monkey... or in the time of monkey i was a chimpanzees .... they change for god sake.... and i dont...and that was disturbing....the guy that used to be a punkster...is a clean cut guy....no more piercing... no more boot...and he have hair...the guy who used to be a black metal hardcore fan ... is no longer have long hair.... no more black nail polish .... no more dimmu borgir t-shirt...the gut who used to be a tupac shakur fanatic....is no longer talk about gansta rap and shit... this is from a guy who can recite the whole lyric of tupac shakur song without even blink....and this one guy who used to worship rage againt the machine ..... is no longer talk about freedom... no longer talk about this fucked up system .... i was shock to see this changes happen... from a group of people that used to break a rule for a sake of breaking a rule.... just for fun of it ... this was a group of people who get into the system to prove that the system is wrong....but what happen in 10 years....they change...they said "it not me againt the world anymore"... i was stunned ... for me it still me againt the world... were this group of people change so drasticly that they become another set of my "friend"...talking bout current issues and brag about stuff...but no they only change in their shell but not in their heart....their still bleed rebel...they talk about nationalist....socialist....communism....they talk about cuba....about how they worship north korea...about the different between islamic political system in turkey and malaysia... they talk about prevention of bribery in indonesia.... how SBJ mastermind the plan ... they talk about ghandi and the form of pakistan and bangladesh....they talk about thing that i dont have a clue about it but yet im interested and curius...there i understand ... only the shell change not the soul .... i still have hope....and still have a "friend"....
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Deep
i fear that i will always be
a lonely number like root three
a three is all that's good and right
why must my three keep out of sight
beneath a vicious square root sign
i wish instead i were a nine
for nine could thwart this evil trick
with just some quick arithmetic
i know i'll never see the sum, as 1.7321
such is my reality, a sad irrationality
when hark! what is this i see
another square root of a three
has quietly come waltzing by
together now we multiply
to form a number we prefer
rejoicing as an integer
we break free from our mortal bonds
and with a wave of magic wands
our square root signs become unglued
and love for me has been renewed
The Square Root of 3 by David Feinberg
im disturbed yet curious.....
a lonely number like root three
a three is all that's good and right
why must my three keep out of sight
beneath a vicious square root sign
i wish instead i were a nine
for nine could thwart this evil trick
with just some quick arithmetic
i know i'll never see the sum, as 1.7321
such is my reality, a sad irrationality
when hark! what is this i see
another square root of a three
has quietly come waltzing by
together now we multiply
to form a number we prefer
rejoicing as an integer
we break free from our mortal bonds
and with a wave of magic wands
our square root signs become unglued
and love for me has been renewed
The Square Root of 3 by David Feinberg
im disturbed yet curious.....
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Joke
skating uphill is awesome...
it weird ...
but amazing...
years of gliding downhill and pushing uphill...
and now its suddenly gliding both way....
its like going from C to Python...
you dont realize how much time you spending on the boring parts...
until you dont have to do it anymore....
but coding C or assembly make you a better programmer....
maybe the boring part build character...
yeah...
but it depend on how you want to spend your life....
life a waste of time... time a waste of life so lets all get wasted and have the time of our life....
it weird ...
but amazing...
years of gliding downhill and pushing uphill...
and now its suddenly gliding both way....
its like going from C to Python...
you dont realize how much time you spending on the boring parts...
until you dont have to do it anymore....
but coding C or assembly make you a better programmer....
maybe the boring part build character...
yeah...
but it depend on how you want to spend your life....
life a waste of time... time a waste of life so lets all get wasted and have the time of our life....
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Comfortable
you not the people im hanging out with..
you not the person im asking a favor...
you not even the guy that i talk to....
you not even a dude on my hate list ...
you dont even deserve my hypocrite....
it doesnt matter what you did...
it doesnt matter what i felt...
what matter is that you did something...
and for that thing i wont forget....
waiting for a right time to return the favor......
you not the person im asking a favor...
you not even the guy that i talk to....
you not even a dude on my hate list ...
you dont even deserve my hypocrite....
it doesnt matter what you did...
it doesnt matter what i felt...
what matter is that you did something...
and for that thing i wont forget....
waiting for a right time to return the favor......
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Bebel from another me to me
with my 11 days off...
my good time and my stage fright...
in another night...
where the lights are loud and bright....
one dream from waking up saved....
too shy to hold in the rage ... i hope that was a wrong line....
i know no luxury....
of knowing what your eyes read....
i know one million ways ... yes i do...
to always pick the wrong thing to say....
a love that you never gave....
i told you i always a time zone away....
dude its not out of spite....
i just know whats right....
sometimes a memory....
only sees what it wants to believe....
and whats filled in between....
are days and nights that dont ever mean a thing ... you know they dont...
it such a simple suicide...
some people call it a second chance that they never tried...
what i want you to understand....
sometime i need a helping hand...
so you think that youve seen it all....
is that a fact?....
so out your mouth a dictionary....
spouts about this and that...
you got your dos, your donts...
your because and your why....
i dont trust that motherfucker too...
who dont take their own advice....
my good time and my stage fright...
in another night...
where the lights are loud and bright....
one dream from waking up saved....
too shy to hold in the rage ... i hope that was a wrong line....
i know no luxury....
of knowing what your eyes read....
i know one million ways ... yes i do...
to always pick the wrong thing to say....
a love that you never gave....
i told you i always a time zone away....
dude its not out of spite....
i just know whats right....
sometimes a memory....
only sees what it wants to believe....
and whats filled in between....
are days and nights that dont ever mean a thing ... you know they dont...
it such a simple suicide...
some people call it a second chance that they never tried...
what i want you to understand....
sometime i need a helping hand...
so you think that youve seen it all....
is that a fact?....
so out your mouth a dictionary....
spouts about this and that...
you got your dos, your donts...
your because and your why....
i dont trust that motherfucker too...
who dont take their own advice....
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Mind Fuck
it start with a ....
and things got real suddenly .... no more fantasy .... no more illusion.... like your worst nightmare coming true .... things that i believe (psychological state in which an individual holds a proposition or premise to be true) is substantial.... what a fucked up world we live in ..... hahaha ...what if you sincerely believed something was true... but you were dead wrong?... what if you were so stubbornly sure that you were right... that you wouldnt even consider the truth?... would the truth be silenced... or would it try to break through?....
never cross my mind that this will happen to me ... ive felt saudated .... longing for things that ive known but not remembered ... i have what i need ... checked everything that i own literary and figuratively .... but something is missing ...in speaking of this desire ... which i find in myself even now... i feel a certain shyness... i am almost committing an indecency.... i am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you... ive open a pandora box ... things that i dont want to know ... things that i shouldnt know .... and things that never cross my mind ... all absorbing into this shity things call brain of mine ... the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like "memories" and "those are the days" and "my younger day"... the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when.. in very intimate conversation..the mention of it becomes imminent...we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves... the secret we cannot hide and cannot tell...though we desire to do both.... we cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience..... we cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it... and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name.....our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter.....is this a jokes? ... an inside joke only fews understand it.... while we stumble and fall ... try to stand back .... we amuse an elite group of people who have this schadenfreude emotion towards other ... im not mad .... im in rage .... in fact im rager than rage (if such a word exist) .... my heart fill with hatred ... because there are few thing that i dont understand ... and i cant find someone who understand all this shit .... and its knock me ... damnnn... haihhhhhhh....
i used to think somewhere in the future ... i will change ... i will have my own transformation ... my refinement of self ... or someone will change me... nahhhh...maybe ive lost a lot of my brain cell ... due to excessive drinking and inhaling those cigarette smoke .....how do i come with that thought?.... crap ... people cant change .... only a tiny fraction may change a little bit ... but to change drastically ... maybe 1 in a trillion or something like that ... the percentage is low ... so much low .... we are who we are ... attitude cannot be change in an instant ... it take years of everything to be who you are .... everything that happen in the past... doesnt matter what it is ... it build your character ...our expedient was to identify it with certain moments in our own past.... but all this is a cheat.... If we had gone back to those moments in the past... we would not have found the thing itself... but only the reminder of it... what we remembered would turn out to be itself a remembering.... all this bullshit is a tease.... forbidden to remember yet terrified to forget.... it was a hard line to walk.... damnnnn..... dont get me wrong ....i dont hate my life .... i love it .... im not hating myself ....i worship it... it just something that i dont agree .... something that need to be said .... im not saying my life is perfect ... i cheat ... i lie.... i altered certain things to make me feel good... im just saying that how you sleep at night when you tell someone with your poker face that things will be alright when it is not ..... you promise them things that you will know that you gonna break it in a future.... you keep building the lies that to make up for all that you lack.... the books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them...it was not in them... it only came through them....and what came through them was longing.... these things ...the beauty... the memory of our own past....are good images of what we really desire... but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb fuck...breaking the hearts of their worshipers....for they are not the thing itself.... they are only the scent of a flower we have not found....the echo of a tune we have not heard.... news from a country we have never yet visited....
maybe it was still raining but i didnt notice... i didnt care....
ive got pwned with fate so badly ive throw up a little bit.... i am newb to this game .... a low level necromancer with a white bone wand .... haahahha.....
and things got real suddenly .... no more fantasy .... no more illusion.... like your worst nightmare coming true .... things that i believe (psychological state in which an individual holds a proposition or premise to be true) is substantial.... what a fucked up world we live in ..... hahaha ...what if you sincerely believed something was true... but you were dead wrong?... what if you were so stubbornly sure that you were right... that you wouldnt even consider the truth?... would the truth be silenced... or would it try to break through?....
never cross my mind that this will happen to me ... ive felt saudated .... longing for things that ive known but not remembered ... i have what i need ... checked everything that i own literary and figuratively .... but something is missing ...in speaking of this desire ... which i find in myself even now... i feel a certain shyness... i am almost committing an indecency.... i am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you... ive open a pandora box ... things that i dont want to know ... things that i shouldnt know .... and things that never cross my mind ... all absorbing into this shity things call brain of mine ... the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like "memories" and "those are the days" and "my younger day"... the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when.. in very intimate conversation..the mention of it becomes imminent...we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves... the secret we cannot hide and cannot tell...though we desire to do both.... we cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience..... we cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it... and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name.....our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter.....is this a jokes? ... an inside joke only fews understand it.... while we stumble and fall ... try to stand back .... we amuse an elite group of people who have this schadenfreude emotion towards other ... im not mad .... im in rage .... in fact im rager than rage (if such a word exist) .... my heart fill with hatred ... because there are few thing that i dont understand ... and i cant find someone who understand all this shit .... and its knock me ... damnnn... haihhhhhhh....
i used to think somewhere in the future ... i will change ... i will have my own transformation ... my refinement of self ... or someone will change me... nahhhh...maybe ive lost a lot of my brain cell ... due to excessive drinking and inhaling those cigarette smoke .....how do i come with that thought?.... crap ... people cant change .... only a tiny fraction may change a little bit ... but to change drastically ... maybe 1 in a trillion or something like that ... the percentage is low ... so much low .... we are who we are ... attitude cannot be change in an instant ... it take years of everything to be who you are .... everything that happen in the past... doesnt matter what it is ... it build your character ...our expedient was to identify it with certain moments in our own past.... but all this is a cheat.... If we had gone back to those moments in the past... we would not have found the thing itself... but only the reminder of it... what we remembered would turn out to be itself a remembering.... all this bullshit is a tease.... forbidden to remember yet terrified to forget.... it was a hard line to walk.... damnnnn..... dont get me wrong ....i dont hate my life .... i love it .... im not hating myself ....i worship it... it just something that i dont agree .... something that need to be said .... im not saying my life is perfect ... i cheat ... i lie.... i altered certain things to make me feel good... im just saying that how you sleep at night when you tell someone with your poker face that things will be alright when it is not ..... you promise them things that you will know that you gonna break it in a future.... you keep building the lies that to make up for all that you lack.... the books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them...it was not in them... it only came through them....and what came through them was longing.... these things ...the beauty... the memory of our own past....are good images of what we really desire... but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb fuck...breaking the hearts of their worshipers....for they are not the thing itself.... they are only the scent of a flower we have not found....the echo of a tune we have not heard.... news from a country we have never yet visited....
maybe it was still raining but i didnt notice... i didnt care....
ive got pwned with fate so badly ive throw up a little bit.... i am newb to this game .... a low level necromancer with a white bone wand .... haahahha.....
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