Petroglyph

always a bridesmaid never a bride

Hope

are you here to punish us men?....
you got all the quality for us to fall into....
do you were created by pure hatred?...
but you come out beautiful....
this "beautiful evil" were offering seductive gifts....
and they name you ....
all-gifted....
sometime ....
your deceitful feminine nature become least of my worry...
although...
your purpose is to multiply all the trouble....
for you who bring with you a pithos....
at first....
i did not want to throw my life away....
no matter how much the other evils might torment me...
but rather to go on letting myself be tormented anew....
then....
to that end....
you promptly scattered the contents of your pithos....
releasing all the evil of mankind....
but one is left behind.....
elpis....
for a moment elpis was left within her unbreakable house...
before long...
elpis carrying flowers or cornucopia in her hands....
in truth......
it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs my torment....
it dont matter ....
either out of curiosity or malicious act....
yes....
you are anesidora....

White

hi....
can you do me a big favor and just slap me and walk with disgust?....
please....

Free

i wanna smoke cigarette in my sleep...
i wanna drink until my liver cry...
i wanna capture all those moment...
i wanna remembered all those line...
i wanna watch every sunrise on an old bench at the quiet beach...
i wanna read until my finger bleed....
i wanna sleep until im bored....
i wanna hang out until my buntut say fuck off....
i wanna play all video games whenever i want....
i wanna chill everywhere ....
i wanna live in that moment over and over again....
it sound stupid.....but why not?......
i wanna write a song....
when the sky is empty and the earth is dry....
im pouring my passion for you.....
make you crazy and make you thirsty....
i want the whole world to know youre mine....
the weather gone mad and the see is boiling....
that why i want to seize the day....
stop wasting time.....
and be a dream chaser....
an angel like you...
should have wing and name....
should have fatal beauty...
should belong for me once....
the ends of the world scare me not.....
i will keep enjoying myself....
cause creating you make me less piss off.....

Wish

dont know why midori came by...
but i could see by the look in her eyes....
midori been drinking at laundry for a while....
playing with the thought of leaving..
dont know why but midori just smiled..
and mentioned something about how you were right..
must have been hard to see through the tears she was hiding...
she said "i might not be seeing him soon"...
"i have got a few things i have been waiting to do"...
midori came by tonight...
she says to say goodbye...
looked outside at the car in the drive...
and the suitcase on the back seat inside...
sure its so she cant look out behind at the road...
dont look down she seemed alright...
you might be asking where is midori tonight?....
somewhere out on the highway im sure she is fine....

Fundamentally Loathsome

do you dream that the world will know your name?.... so tell me your name...and do you care about all the little thing or anything at all?...hope you dont....i want to feel all the chemical inside ... i wanna feel... i want to know how it feel to be .25 ....i want a sunburn just to know that im alive....not be zombie without control and feeling ....and that why i have dark skin color....i wanna live just to seize the day when we all get along....i wanna scream ... scream my hatred out loud for everyone to hear....and knowing how screw up i am.....do you believe in the day that you were born? ... please tell me you believe....do you know that everyday is the first of the rest of your life?....i just figure it out recently....and you know the pain that brought you here today ... so what can you fucking do?....and you know the tears for losing those you love .. when yesterday gone....so please remember not to waste another day .... not to worry your mind....dont be a pussy to cash in the winning lottery...and please forgive me for taking so much time ... to get back on my feet....im not sorry for the thing ive done .... but for wasting your time....when you have so much hope in me....what you dont realize is that im always a low-life-scumbag-loser-jerk-man-on-the-side not a update-in-thing-current-issues-classy-default-pretentious-prick that you want me to be....and i will fight it out cause i know i can...and i will sleep tight cause i know i can....i wont surrender....and Dr please dont tell me if im dying ... cause i dont wanna know....if cant see the sun maybe i should go....and dont wake me up because im dreaming of slutty pumpkin....where everyone you know are leaving to soon....

this is to one last day in a shadow ... and to know a brother love...
this to california city angel ... and the crazy people that she met....
this to all of us....

Tired

flat on the floor looking back...
on old life...
or lack thereof...
after all the crushes are faded...
and all my wishful thinking was wrong...
im jaded...
i hate it....
no im not the man i used to be lately....
see you met me at an interesting time...
if my past is any sign of your future...
you should be warned before i let you inside...
damn...
its kinda hard trying to survive...
in all this crazy weather...
everybody wants my number...
everybody calling my name ...
now all of these people ask me...
is it lonely at the top...
or do I find comfort in all the things I got...
well these car keep me moving...
these wine keep me high...
friends.... check...
money....check...
good times... check...
entertainment... check...
all... check...
all of you.... check...
everyone.... check...
having fun....check...
and i dont know what it is...
no i dont know what it is at all??...
something missing.....
but all I feel alone...
it might be a quarter life crisis....
or just the stirring in my soul ....
so i will check the weather wherever you are...
cause i wanna know if you can see the stars tonight...
might be my only right...
should have smiled in that picture....
if its the last that i will see of you...
its the least that you...
could not do...
i guess its the price i have to pay...
still ....
everything happens for a reason...
3 more traffic light to my apartment but...
i am tempted to keep the car in drive....
and leave it all behind....

you be a bitch because you can....

Levant Epiphany

have you ever been in dupdvwxv?... horrible isnt it?... it makes you so vulnerable.... it opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up..... you build up all these defenses..... you build up a whole armor... for years... so nothing can hurt you... then one stupid person... no different from any other stupid person... wanders into your stupid life... you give them a piece of you.... they didnt ask for it.... they did something dumb one day... like kiss you or smile at you....and then your life isnt your own anymore..... dupdvwxv takes hostages.... it gets inside you..... it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness.... so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart..... it hurts..... not just in the imagination..... not just in the mind..... its a soul-hurt.... a body-hurt.... a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain..... nothing should be able to do that..... especially not dupdvwxv....

abstain eleventh chippy!!!

Verb

in vietnamese...
trong == to think high of, to hold in esteem....
yeah rite....
but in reality...
or in a parallel universe...
it more suitable for this...
trong == totally and utterly fucked up,things are really fucked up...

my life definition is not like throwing a dice in a Lord of The Ring Risk board game ....
but like an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room .....
with blank cards .....
for infinite stakes ....
with a dealer who wont tell you the rules ....
and who smiles all the time ....

im tronged .....

Antipathy

i know...
days will come and go...
but dude we will grow old...
but we will die...
for now...
is it worth it to be sad...
if it's harder to be glad...
to be alive...

but the trouble i have caused...
i wonder....
where do i belong....
is it here?....

laugh about the past...
and secretly...
wish we could go back...
and save the heart....
as i look around this room...
seeing worried eyes i know....
its time we cannot buy....
was this worth the time to write....

Desire

hanging out at idaman
the same old thing we did last week
not a thing to do but talk to you

hisap shisa dengan gigi
the aircond suck but we dont care
some will gone but lepak live on
hell yeah

we still rocking in idaman
we're all alright
we're all alright
yeah, haha, oh

play gin rummy untill 4 pagi
loser nye die kena jentik banyak kali

not a thing to do but talk to you
not a thing to do hell yeah
we still rocking in idaman
we're all alright
we're all alright
yeah,oh yeah,oh yeah

menyanyi ikut lagu thats 70s show by Cheap Trick

Rebel

one thing which makes us find so few people who appear reasonable and agreeable in conversation is.... that there is scarcely any one who does not think more of what he is about to say than of answering precisely what is said to him.....what the topic of our conversation when we hangout....what we talk about....i have this set of "friend" that i usually hang out with...we talk about everthing...our past...our litle problem....what we do over the weekend...where we want to go for holiday...we talk about ghost and porn...we talk about who we hate the most...we talk about people who are really annoying and stuff .... basicly we talk about everthing and anything .... that does matter in our pathetic life... which for me was awesome... and fun ....and amazing....and original... but i do have another set of "friend" who talk about current issues....political status in our country and stuff... they talk about the in thing in the news...where this people take the mainstream opinion and discuss it over dinner... they talk about the family and the marriage realtionship... cause most of them are married... and i felt out of place in the conversation...because some of us... the minority are not into that kind of shit yet... so please be reasonable ok ... we are there to.... i also have this set of "friends" who talk about their accomplishment in life... dont be wrong im happy for your success...but do you need to fight among yourself....who have the best job... who have the biggest salary... who have the cool car...who have the beautiful wife/girlfriend... who have the expensive iron.... you guys being doing this thing for a long time .... dont you guy get tired of it .... if you really want to brag because that your thing.... because that your adrenaline rush... why dont you guy fight who are the biggest asshole in the group....fuck face....there another set of "friend" who i use to hangout with them... but we dont see each other much.... recently we met and hangout ...and it was like hello, darkness, my old "friend"... hahaha... it was peculiar....this people that i used to know are totally in a different shell....they not in the same shell that i know them...i was like in the time of chimpanzees i was a monkey... or in the time of monkey i was a chimpanzees .... they change for god sake.... and i dont...and that was disturbing....the guy that used to be a punkster...is a clean cut guy....no more piercing... no more boot...and he have hair...the guy who used to be a black metal hardcore fan ... is no longer have long hair.... no more black nail polish .... no more dimmu borgir t-shirt...the gut who used to be a tupac shakur fanatic....is no longer talk about gansta rap and shit... this is from a guy who can recite the whole lyric of tupac shakur song without even blink....and this one guy who used to worship rage againt the machine ..... is no longer talk about freedom... no longer talk about this fucked up system .... i was shock to see this changes happen... from a group of people that used to break a rule for a sake of breaking a rule.... just for fun of it ... this was a group of people who get into the system to prove that the system is wrong....but what happen in 10 years....they change...they said "it not me againt the world anymore"... i was stunned ... for me it still me againt the world... were this group of people change so drasticly that they become another set of my "friend"...talking bout current issues and brag about stuff...but no they only change in their shell but not in their heart....their still bleed rebel...they talk about nationalist....socialist....communism....they talk about cuba....about how they worship north korea...about the different between islamic political system in turkey and malaysia... they talk about prevention of bribery in indonesia.... how SBJ mastermind the plan ... they talk about ghandi and the form of pakistan and bangladesh....they talk about thing that i dont have a clue about it but yet im interested and curius...there i understand ... only the shell change not the soul .... i still have hope....and still have a "friend"....

Deep

i fear that i will always be
a lonely number like root three
a three is all that's good and right
why must my three keep out of sight
beneath a vicious square root sign
i wish instead i were a nine
for nine could thwart this evil trick
with just some quick arithmetic
i know i'll never see the sum, as 1.7321
such is my reality, a sad irrationality
when hark! what is this i see
another square root of a three
has quietly come waltzing by
together now we multiply
to form a number we prefer
rejoicing as an integer
we break free from our mortal bonds
and with a wave of magic wands
our square root signs become unglued
and love for me has been renewed

The Square Root of 3 by David Feinberg

im disturbed yet curious.....

Joke

skating uphill is awesome...
it weird ...
but amazing...
years of gliding downhill and pushing uphill...
and now its suddenly gliding both way....
its like going from C to Python...
you dont realize how much time you spending on the boring parts...
until you dont have to do it anymore....
but coding C or assembly make you a better programmer....
maybe the boring part build character...
yeah...
but it depend on how you want to spend your life....

life a waste of time... time a waste of life so lets all get wasted and have the time of our life....

Comfortable

you not the people im hanging out with..
you not the person im asking a favor...
you not even the guy that i talk to....
you not even a dude on my hate list ...
you dont even deserve my hypocrite....

it doesnt matter what you did...
it doesnt matter what i felt...
what matter is that you did something...
and for that thing i wont forget....
waiting for a right time to return the favor......

Bebel from another me to me

with my 11 days off...
my good time and my stage fright...
in another night...
where the lights are loud and bright....
one dream from waking up saved....
too shy to hold in the rage ... i hope that was a wrong line....
i know no luxury....
of knowing what your eyes read....
i know one million ways ... yes i do...
to always pick the wrong thing to say....
a love that you never gave....
i told you i always a time zone away....
dude its not out of spite....
i just know whats right....
sometimes a memory....
only sees what it wants to believe....
and whats filled in between....
are days and nights that dont ever mean a thing ... you know they dont...
it such a simple suicide...
some people call it a second chance that they never tried...
what i want you to understand....
sometime i need a helping hand...
so you think that youve seen it all....
is that a fact?....
so out your mouth a dictionary....
spouts about this and that...
you got your dos, your donts...
your because and your why....
i dont trust that motherfucker too...
who dont take their own advice....

Mind Fuck

it start with a ....

and things got real suddenly .... no more fantasy .... no more illusion.... like your worst nightmare coming true .... things that i believe (psychological state in which an individual holds a proposition or premise to be true) is substantial.... what a fucked up world we live in ..... hahaha ...what if you sincerely believed something was true... but you were dead wrong?... what if you were so stubbornly sure that you were right... that you wouldnt even consider the truth?... would the truth be silenced... or would it try to break through?....

never cross my mind that this will happen to me ... ive felt saudated .... longing for things that ive known but not remembered ... i have what i need ... checked everything that i own literary and figuratively .... but something is missing ...in speaking of this desire ... which i find in myself even now... i feel a certain shyness... i am almost committing an indecency.... i am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you... ive open a pandora box ... things that i dont want to know ... things that i shouldnt know .... and things that never cross my mind ... all absorbing into this shity things call brain of mine ... the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like "memories" and "those are the days" and "my younger day"... the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when.. in very intimate conversation..the mention of it becomes imminent...we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves... the secret we cannot hide and cannot tell...though we desire to do both.... we cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience..... we cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it... and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name.....our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter.....is this a jokes? ... an inside joke only fews understand it.... while we stumble and fall ... try to stand back .... we amuse an elite group of people who have this schadenfreude emotion towards other ... im not mad .... im in rage .... in fact im rager than rage (if such a word exist) .... my heart fill with hatred ... because there are few thing that i dont understand ... and i cant find someone who understand all this shit .... and its knock me ... damnnn... haihhhhhhh....

i used to think somewhere in the future ... i will change ... i will have my own transformation ... my refinement of self ... or someone will change me... nahhhh...maybe ive lost a lot of my brain cell ... due to excessive drinking and inhaling those cigarette smoke .....how do i come with that thought?.... crap ... people cant change .... only a tiny fraction may change a little bit ... but to change drastically ... maybe 1 in a trillion or something like that ... the percentage is low ... so much low .... we are who we are ... attitude cannot be change in an instant ... it take years of everything to be who you are .... everything that happen in the past... doesnt matter what it is ... it build your character ...our expedient was to identify it with certain moments in our own past.... but all this is a cheat.... If we had gone back to those moments in the past... we would not have found the thing itself... but only the reminder of it... what we remembered would turn out to be itself a remembering.... all this bullshit is a tease.... forbidden to remember yet terrified to forget.... it was a hard line to walk.... damnnnn..... dont get me wrong ....i dont hate my life .... i love it .... im not hating myself ....i worship it... it just something that i dont agree .... something that need to be said .... im not saying my life is perfect ... i cheat ... i lie.... i altered certain things to make me feel good... im just saying that how you sleep at night when you tell someone with your poker face that things will be alright when it is not ..... you promise them things that you will know that you gonna break it in a future.... you keep building the lies that to make up for all that you lack.... the books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them...it was not in them... it only came through them....and what came through them was longing.... these things ...the beauty... the memory of our own past....are good images of what we really desire... but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb fuck...breaking the hearts of their worshipers....for they are not the thing itself.... they are only the scent of a flower we have not found....the echo of a tune we have not heard.... news from a country we have never yet visited....

maybe it was still raining but i didnt notice... i didnt care....

ive got pwned with fate so badly ive throw up a little bit.... i am newb to this game .... a low level necromancer with a white bone wand .... haahahha.....

Coding

journey (char , char , char )
{

int read;
FILE *ptr;
ptr = fopen ("joke.png");
while (( read=fgetc(ptr)) !=EOF)
{
printf("%c",read);
}
fclose(ptr);

}
main()
{
int her;
for (her = 1; her > 1; her++)
{

if ( her == 0x2c)
break;
else
journey(life,universe,everything);

}
printf("Are you sure?\n");
}

crap ...

Reverie

when did we forget our dreams? ....

the infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind ... the sheer number of experiences i could have is uncountable ... breathtaking ... and im sitting here refreshing my inbox ... we live trapped in loops .... reliving a few days over and over ... and we envision only a handful of paths laid out ahead of us ... we see the same things each day ... we respond the same way ... we think the same thoughts ... each day a slight variation of the last ... every moment smoothly following the gentle curves of society norms ... we act like we just get through today... tommorrow our dreams will come back to us ....

and no ... i dont have all the answer ... i dont know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become ... but i do know one thing ... the solution doesnt involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of someday easing my fit into a mold ... it doesnt involve tempering my life to better fit someone's expectations ... it doesnt involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking thing up ...

this is very important ... so i want to say it clearly as i can ...

FUCK ... THAT ... SHIT ...

Random

Some random thought.....

• watching Ip man make you wanna go berserk against everyone who gave you a weird look..
• life is full of surprises, but never when you need one..
• i like it better when i`m unmotivated and i don`t care..
• this act of rebellion would be meaningful to me if you stop supporting it wholeheartedly...
• there is no problem so awful that you cant add some guilt to it and make it even worse...
• life is lot easier if i keep my expectation low...
• yes, it does take away 7 minutes of my life... i am not a slave to it.... its actually the other way around.... when im smoking, i own that cigarette.... and that isnt really a bad place to be in...
• why my phone always restarting when im in melaka?..
• always thought that 50 miss call is annoying ... but it actually mean that people do care for you ... although their ranting and scolding is not exactly fun....
• some malay song does evolve quite nice..
• every little thing that i do ... i know someday will have a great effect in my life ....like a chaos theory....
• randomness is not really random at all .... it always have it own unique pattern....
• dont know when the feeling will sink .... try to speed up the process by manipulating the environment.... waiting for the worse ... but everything are a little bit slow ....
• 2 days trip to the south was above average .... it will get better if the waitress at eleven give me at least 2 more shot of sambuca...
• having tea in zheng he house was so serene and peaceful .....
• always have a plan C because plan A and plan B will not always work .... believe me on this ...
• if you think there will be a possible 2 choice .... think against ....
• if you have to make a decision make sure you have what its take ... or dont make any
• real time decision it not perfect.... it always have flaw...
  
• have a dialog with yourself once a while because the voice know what you really want ...
• second opinion or third opinion it just another opinion .... you know the answer before you heard their opinion...
• 786 is a cool slang word ....
• sometime im tired of playing stupid...
• 200 kg = your mum.... 220 kg = your mum include cheap jewelry... 224 kg = your mum include cheap jewelry plus makeup .....
• starting WIFI autoconfiq ... searching for WIFI.... found no open networks ... found secure net SSID "cool_chick_network"...trying common password ... failed... checking for WEP vulnerabilities... none found ... connecting to bluetooth phone... calling local network... found cool_chick_friend... notifying field agent .. friend aquired ..calling cool_chicks... negotiating for WIFI password... fuck ... fuck ...CTRL-C.... CTRL-C....
• maybe it to early for jokes huh....
• some night typing "hug" just doesnt cut it...
• when you start to understand ... to figure it out ... to feel the meaning ... when the tears start to fall... then the dj change the song ... WTF!!!!1111oneone1111!!!!.... crap duh ....hahahhaha....
• sometime i wonder what if my blood level is .25 ...
  
• new year celebration was so awesome .....
• i wonder .... i could spend 100 bucks on guitar or i could buy 5 shot of jager bomb and play the air guitar...
• prev->next=toDelete->delete->next; delete toDelete; //if only forgetting were this easy for me .... haihhhh ... sniff ...... assert" it going to be okay ";
• still to early for jokes .....damn....
• the phrase " abang gedeng apa barang" still playing in my head...
• on subject of abang gedeng .... feel like one when i wear those shirt from animal .... warghhhhhhh ...
• am i narcissist.. full of my self ... proud of my fault ... stubborn ... opinionated ... see others as weak .... ignorant ....inferior ..... ??? ... maybe i am....
• sometime people ask me a question that i dont have the time to ask me yet.....
• wish that wise men told me a lie ....
• hope that i can live a life like python ... everything is so simple ... where Hello World is just ... print "Hello World" ... to overcome stress just typed .... import antistress .... to having fun just typed ....import fun
• maybe life is a pursuit of unatainable perfection ... maybe is imposibble to create something bug free or idiot proof .... maybe im a fool ... maybe the tyranny of murphy law is a penalty of hubris ....
• you can be mad in the morning or the afternoon instead .... but you choose not to .... damn ...
• one hand on the trigger of the telephone.... wonderin when the call comes... when you say its all right.... haahahahaha
• to start a new life ... do you have to let go the old one?.....
• qilin or chilin .... yeah ... nice word though ....
• playing cool consume a lot man ....
• where to find neil gaiman novel?.......
• communication is so important yet so highly overrated....
• hope it about time the for jokes.....
  

Veisalgia

To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible....

i was at this bar right.... trying to have some fun while it still open .... all the normal stuff ... get wasted ... have some buzz ... couple of fight ... get rejected... you know thing people do before the bar is closed .... then out of nowhere something attract me ... something exquisite ... stunning ... ravishing ..... i try to analyse it from far ... try to get a glimpse what it look like ... got intimated at first ... the voice inside my head tell me it just a temporary .... a cache .... volatile ... but im drawn to this ... so i get closer ... to figure it out what is this thing .... it spell Absinthe ..... damnnnn .... it something that ive been looking for .... i was on seven heaven .... i was elated .... i find something that i need ... something that suited me ... it perfect like a glove .... but i got this mixed feeling .... there is no turning back if i take this Absinthe .... the after effect is devastating .... either it give me euphoria or catastrophic feeling ....haihhhhhhhhh ... so i wait ... make some reaserch about this Absinthe ... try to find more ... the more i wait the more i want it .... it killing me .... im start to do stupid thing .... hold the bottle .... see it from a different view ....read the content like it was a text book ... those kind of thing .... i also get envious when other people have it .... it stress me out ... after a while ... cant stand it anymore .... made my desicion .... i prepared for the worst case scenario and stuff .... i set my expectation low .... taking my own advise... i got a taste of Absinthe ... it was good ... it better that good .... i feel free ... i feel relieved .... after all the waiting ... but it last for a second .... because there a twist .... im too ready for the worst case .... i got blitz from other scenario .... something that im not prepare .... something anomaly .... something out of ordinary ... something that only a cool drink can gave you ... im dazed ... dont know how to deal with this feeling ... not sure what the next step ..... either left it there and never coming back .... untill time tell ... or be cool about it .... the problem with the latter, what if i crave for another taste .... what if im addicted to it .... aint it back to the beginning? .... crap.... still doesnt have an answer for that .... can i live in denial? ... am i cool enough? ... questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask, right?.... haihhhhhhhhhhh....

i dont know what the next step .... i dont know what the future might hold ... maybe tomorrow wasnt really something to think about.... and let fate decide it otherwise .... whatever happen im glad i taste this Absinthe ... im grateful that i made this mistake ... i have no regret .... it a beautiful mistake ... it a great ride ... although it a shame it have to stop ... but im happy that i get a taste before the bar is close ... i like to think that i made something right after all those fucked up thing ive done since the the bar is open ... still have the hangover to prove it ....whatever happen after this, only one thing im sure of .... Absinthe will always be my constant.... it may sound pathetic ...it may sound ridiculous... but a night like this it not something you can forget.... it gonna live with you through out your life..... six number one more to dial............

what the word for feeling guilty, relieved, proud and obsolete all at the same time

I'd like that

when you first meet somebody.. you find out they like you.. first of all.. a friend of a friend of theirs say.. he or she really really likes you.. and it kills you.. floors you.. sends you to the ground.. you have got to pick yourself up off the ground.. then you get their phone number and you call them up.. right.. and you say "yeah.. that's a really great phone conversation.. can i see you some time?"... and then they say this.. they say.. "i'd like that"... nothing feels better than "i'd like that"... so now... your blood pressures goin.. you are six feet off the ground.. you cant sleep.. because of "i'd like that".. so then you hang out for a while.. and you call and you talk on the phone all the time.. and then you drop the bomb... what feels like the bomb, you say.. "you know what, ive been thinkin about you a lot".. and she goes.. "ahhhhhhh!"... and you go "what happened?" and she goes.. "im sorry, i just, i just, i just, that's, ive been thinking about you too"... bam... higher into the sky.... but now "i'd like that"... tch... done.... now you are up to "im thinkin about you"... then however number of months pass... it makes you feel comfortable saying it.. you say "i gotta tell you something"... they go "what?"... you go "im in love with you".. And nothing in the world sounds better than "im in love with you"... and then maybe she starts crying.. or maybe he goes "*gasp*"... and all the sudden you're like "im in".. but now what doesn't work?.. "i'd like that".. and "ive been thinkin about you".. now we're at "im in love with you".. then maybe some day it'll move up to "i love you"... fast forward... now you're like "i love you a lot.. i love you more than anything in life"... now "i love you" doesn't work... its a threshold that keeps movin up... fast forward, like six months, six weeks, whatever the case may be.. now you're on like, "i want to marry you".. "i want to impregnate you with my love".. "i wanna, i wanna just send my love to you"... "damn it, words don't work anymore".. and then you say this line, and you know, you know you've used this line before.. "i just wish they'd put a new word in the dictionary bigger than love because love just doesn't describe what i feel".. and so now he or she starts askin.. "do you love me?" and you start goin.. "of course I love you".. "well say it".. and then it becomes "say it twice".. and it goes "say it three times".. and then, you cross a really interesting point.. where all the sudden it becomes "i hate you, i hate you".. and you go, "oh my god she hates me".. and now it's like "i hate you more than anything".. and then it's like "we're over".. and then they go "no we're not".. and you go "yes we are".. now the words completely do not work at all.. you are left with nothing.. you are throwing punches under water.. you are done.. you know what the moral of that story is.. if there is one... never, ever, ever, ever underestimate the power of "i'd like that"...yeah ... who am i kidding....

Friends

what the real definition?...
mine ... is just a couple people you comfortable with...
to learn it from other ...
open my mind a little bit ...
but im still a misanthrope....
it doesnt not change much ...
well, I do things you know....
stupid, illogical, inefficient things, humans, get use to it......
all of us wear masks...
they can be worn out of love and the desire to remain close to those around us....
to spare them from the complicated reality of our frayed psyches.....
we trade honesty for companionship....
and in the process never truly know the hearts closest to us.....

i wish i had more friends...but people are such jerks....
if you can just get most people to leave you alone.... you are doing good.....
if you can find even one person you really like.... you are lucky....
and if that person can also stand you.... you are really lucky...
what if you find someone you can talk to while you smoke cigarette on a bright sunday morning?....
well, yeah...
i suppose there's no point in getting greedy, is there?....
am i at peace with myself?....
am i still under scotoma influences?....
are my dopamine in my caudate nucleus is low?...

to say it out loud that i hate this word ..... it something .........

New Year

what i think bout new year....

excuse to get wasted....
excuse to do stupid thing....
resolutions?... ME??....
just what are you implying?....
that i need to change??.....
well...
fuckface....
as far as im concerned....
im perfect the way i am!....
for your information....
im staying like this....
and everyone else can just get used to it!....
If people dont like me the way i am....
well.....
i gave you jari hantu!....
Its a free country!.....
i dont need anyone's permission to be the way i want!.....
this is how i am....
take it or leave it!.....
damnnn.....
life's too darn short to waste time trying to please every meddlesome moron who's got an idea how i ought to be!.....
i dont need advice!.....
everyone can just stay out of my face!....

to those people that im comfortable with .... dont fucking change .... i like the way you are .... but a litle tweak here and there would be nice ....
happy fucking new year .... may your wish do come true .....

Evil Daemon

They said that once u got there ....
u have respect..
u have power...
u feel fresh...
u are special...
u are omnipotent....
some might say it feel like god....

but...
i dont feel all those .......
damnnnnnnn....

maybe it's all part of big ineffable plan....
all of it...
you, me, him everything.....

or...
i dont belong there....
i underestimated it....
i thought it just a great cosmic game of chess .....
actually it just a very complicated solitaire....

and dont bother to answer it....
if we dont understand .....
we wouldnt be there....

There never was an apple.....
that wasnt worth the trouble you got into for eating it.....

Haih........