Draft in my email

to: xxxxxxxxx@xxxxx.com

subject: what i thinking when i go drinking

i know you dont like to read but please bear with me. it only take 10 to 15 minutes of you life and you will never get it back. im so sorry about that.im not saying that after you read this you will be enlighten or refresh, it will waste your time, make you wanna puke or laugh hard, it depend on your feeling though.

i know this must be the pussiest way to say thing but i had to do it.these days i just can't seem to say what i mean. i just can't. especially to you. every time i try to say something, it misses the point. either that or i end up saying the opposite of what i mean. the more i try to get it right the more mixed up it gets. sometimes i can't even remember what i was trying to say in the first place. it's like my body's split in two and one of me is chasing the other me around a big pillar. we're running circles around it.the other me has the right words, but i can never catch him.hence the email.

some people say if you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price.believe me that i want to know the answer badly, but what more important is how do i ask the question.one thing is sure.i have to do something. i have to do the best i know how at the moment.if it doesn't turn out right, hopefully i can modify it as i go along.i really hope so.but if something did happen, it happened. whether it's right or wrong. i accept everything that happens, and i promise you that.

before i go deeper in what this email is really about, let me tell you a bit about me, so you know how hard is this thing for me. i'm not a decent human being.that sentence would be understatement of the year.but seriously i'm not a good guy.i cheat, i lied, i take advantage of other people.i'll be the first to admit that the life i'm leading is basically a joke. i should probably be a lot cooler about it, but i can't fake it, you know? i'm so in love with myself some time it hurt other.there are some things about myself i can’t explain to anyone. there are some things i don’t understand at all. i can’t tell what i think about things or what i’m after. i don’t know what my strengths are or what i’m supposed to do about them. but if i start thinking about these things in too much detail the whole thing gets scary. and if i get scared i can only think about myself. i become really self-centered, and without meaning to, i hurt people. so i’m not such a wonderful

human being.

between the end of that strange january and the approach of november last year, my life went on without change. each day would dawn without incident and end as it had begun. it rained a lot in september. october had several warm, sweaty days. aside from the weather, there was hardly anything to distinguish one day from the next. i worked at concentrating my attention on the real and useful.but when december come, thing a little bit different.at the moment we only knew each other for about a year plus.for me at that time you just another girl i know that i can hang up with, talk about thing,make fun of each other,pick me up for dinner and movies.i know you as a short,weed smoking,crazy,cool(i have to admit),passionate,kinda cute chick.it been a while, from the time when my heart gradually started to change and the time i began to feel alone from some point whenever i saw you. but after we spend more time together i realize i kinda have a feeling for you.at that moment im not very sure why my heart got hook on you.i never believe this as the real thing.everything, everything seemed once-upon-a-time.as a friend to remain as a friend i think this feeling is not so ethical.so i retrace back all those thing that we do to find what made this feeling tick of.that doesn't work.i know absolutely nothing about you.what i know is that you get angry what you hungry,when you get angry it scary,you and me hate the same thing,yeah that kinda romantic but that all that i know about you.i read somewhere that they said all this feeling toward you is like a piece of paper, burn them, and what stays in my heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish.i try that approach.and the result is the same.the feeling still there.but still i'm not sure about this feeling.so i do what i always do, ignore it for a while and maybe the feeling will go away.and i did that although "for a while" is a phrase whose length can't be measured.at least by the person who's waiting.unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by. the past increases, the future recedes. possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting.

memory is a funny thing. when i was in the scene, i hardly paid it any mind. i never stopped to think of it as something that would make a lasting impression, certainly never imagined that three months later i would recall it in such detail. i didn't give a damn about the scenery that day. i was thinking about myself. i was thinking about the beautiful girl walking next to me. i was thinking about the two of us together, and then about myself again. it was the age, that time of life when every sight, every feeling, every thought came back, like a boomerang, to me. and worse, i still had those feeling. feeling with complications.we're both looking at the same moon, in the same world. we're connected to reality by the same line. all i have to do is quietly draw it towards me.i may be the type who manages to grab all the pointless things in life but lets the really important things slip away.but not this time.there is one moment when i peered into your eyes, wondering if you were still drunk, but they were once again your usual cool, intelligent eyes. you were far from drunk.there wasn't a reason in the world not to find you appealing.your smile steps offstage for a moment, then does an encore, all while i'm dealing with my blushing face.and there all i see, nothing in the real world is as beautiful as the illusions of a person about to lose consciousness.for a brief time i was here,and for a brief time i'm mattered.but i didn't do anything.all i do was sit in the corner reading my book while dreaming about you. sometimes i think that's the only right thing to do.

and after that i still try to distance myself from you, and i fail big time.every sms,gtalk,email or call reduced me to pure concept.my flesh had dissolved; my form had dissipated. i floated in space. liberated of my corporeal being, but without dispensation to go anywhere else.i was adrift in the void. somewhere across the fine line separating nightmare from reality.it confuse me, it kills me, floors me and send me to the ground and at the same time it made my blood pressure going, made me six feet off the ground.i look up at the sky, wondering if i'll catch a glimpse of answer there, but i don't. all i see are indifferent rainy clouds drifting over the apartment.and they have nothing to say to me.and then i realize that every single thing that i do is a desperate attempt to get your attention.i don't know if you notice it but it kinda sad.

it's hard to tell the difference between sea and sky, between voyager and sea.between reality and the workings of the heart.i never understand that but you were on my mind at least nine tenths of yesterday.that crazy right. it seem as if perhaps i'd gone insane.what is it about you that has commandeered my brains? maybe its your laugh or maybe it's the way when i look at your face i feel relieve, i feel warm and i feel right.for a certain kind of person, love begins from something tiny or silly. from something like that or it doesn't begin at all.

no mistake about it. ice is cold; roses are red;beer taste good; i'm in love with you.there i said it. and this love is about to carry me off somewhere. the current's too overpowering; i don't have any choice. it may very well be a special place, some place i've never seen before. danger may be lurking there, something that may end up wounding me deeply, fatally. i might end up losing everything. but there's no turning back. i can only go with the flow. even if it means i'll be burned up, gone forever.

i know the feeling is always changing.i know the love is always shifting or wavering. it's always questioning or inflating or disappearing or denying or hurting. and the thing is, i can't do anything about it, i can't control it.you love someone, you open yourself up to suffering, and that's the sad truth. maybe you'll break my heart, maybe i'll break your heart and never be able to look at myself in the same way. those are the risks. that's the burden. i'm not promised you anything but i will do the best i can with the knowledge i have.

if you asked "but why should you be interested in me?" good question. i can’t explain it myself right this moment. but maybe – just maybe – if we start getting together and talking, after a while something like John Mayer’s soundtrack music will start playing in the background, and a whole slew of concrete reasons why i’m interested in you will line up out of nowhere. with luck, it might even snow for us.

i was just wondering if you'd come along,hold up my head when my head won't hold on. i'll do the same if the same is what you want. but if not i'll go.i'll go alone.