Bodoh

how come dumb stuff seems so smart while youre doing it...
gampang

God mode

most of the stories in this life have that much in common...the place they arrive at in the end was not the place i was expecting them to go when i set out...sometimes the only way i would know that a story had finished was when there werent any more words to be written down....
the story i thought i was setting out to write was more shorter...much more fablelike....and it not end like that...i dont know how it did end originally anymore...there was some kind of ending.....but once the story was underway the real ending become inevitable....

Nine nine nine

because we do not know when we will die....
we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well....
and yet everything happens only a certain number of times.....
and a very small number really....
how many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood....
an afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you cannot conceive of your life without it?...
perhaps four....
or five times more?....
perhaps not even that.....
how many more times will you watch the full moon rise?....
perhaps twenty.....
and yet it all seems limitless...

fuck yeah....damnit....nothing happen....

Mirror

they appear to tell the truth...
to reflect life back at us...
but...
set a mirror correctly...
and it will lie so convincinly...
angle it right....
and a mirror become magic casement...
it can show you anything you can imagine and maybe a few thing you cant....

Soalan

beb ape maksud org tu bila die tanya "lu kerja mane?"...
die tanye office lu kat mane ke...
atau die tanye name company lu ape...
confius beb....
gua asyik bagi jawapan silap je....
ade tak jawapan default yg bleh jawap soalan nie...

Ramadan

yeah im weak ... nothing new eh...same story different chapter....crap...
selamat berpuasa bitches!!!

Panacea

i wanted a perfect ending....now ive learned....the hard way....that some songs dont rhyme...and some stories dont have a clear beginning....middle....and end.....life is about not knowing....having to change.....taking the moment and making the best of it.....without knowing whats going to happen next.....delicious ambiguity...we are 12 billion light years from the edge.....thats a guess ...no one can ever say its true....but i know that i will never be a mere memory...

Eleven urgh

its all well and good to talk about happy endings....
but if a person cant deliver.....if she keeps screwing up....
well....
eventually i guess you kinda just have to say fuck you.....
or words to that effect....
squaring the circle my friend....
squaring the circle....

All hope is gone

there are various reason why an individual might habitually consume large quantities of alcohol.... but they all effectively boil down to same thing...
it almost 5 in the morning....it been a long day....the elevators are out of service.... so i had to climb the staircase... i dont know... it like hundred of steps.... i live in the eleventh floor for god sake.... im not counting... even though i try...i wont remember it anyway....my head blank from the whiskey...my mouth reeking from cigarettes.... drunk as i get.... im amazed myself for i can climb those step back to my apartment through the whiskey fog....a simple achievement...one has only to accept the fact of being drunk at the face value....no ifs ... ands... buts....only the statement i am drunk plain and simple...
the hallway was a dead silent...more silent than it suppose to be.... thats when i noticed the red pumps at my feet.... red pumps ive seen before...
she was slumped over the dining table....forehead on her arms....profile hidden by straight black hair...a patch of untanned white neckline showed between the strands of hair through the open sleeve of her print dress... one ive seen before... a glimpse of a brassiere strap....looking at her back called up memories...memories of time before ive met her...
"well then" ...i said to her...
as expected ...there were no reply...she should been asleep... should have been crying... or even worse dead...i sat down opposite her and rubbed my eyes...im still not sure...is this a hallucination....or real....maybe my eyes try to cheat me... projecting something that on my head try to make it real....
"want some coffee?" ...i asked her...still no reply....so i make 2 cups of instant coffee...while doing that i asked her again ....
"been here since last night?" ....an ever so slight nod of her head...this might be real... it not a figment of my imagination...to make sure i asked again...
"youve been waiting all this time?" ....no answer....the instant coffee are ready....so i set the 2 mugs on the table...
"drink" ...i said...try to start a conversation while being cool at the same time....still silence...
"be better if you drink something" ....
it was thirty seconds before she raised her head slowly.....evently....and gazed absently at the picture hanging on the wall....a few strands of hair lay plastered againt her dampened cheeks....an aura of wetness about her....
"dont mind me" ... she said...
"i didnt mean to cry" ....i held abox of tissues to her....she quietly blew her nose... and then brushed the hair from the cheek....
"actually... i planned on being gone by the time you returned....i didnt want to see you" .....
"but you changed your mind... i see" ...never been in this situation before...so i try to keep my cool...i lit 2 cigarettes....1 for me and another to her....
"i went to a funeral...when it was over...i went to bar" ...
"you dont need to explain anything to me" ...she said...
"im out of the picture already" .....
"im not explaining....im just making a conversation" ...
she shrugged and pushed her brassiere strap back inside her dress...her face has no expression...she asked me if the deceased is someone she knew....i told her that the dead is an acquaintance of sorts from years back....
"female" ...she asked again....
"ya" ...is my answer to that question...she pursed her lips...and then she relaxed...
she take another cigarette and lit it....she inhaled and spat out the smoke....3 times in rapid succession....she drank her coffee....after a while looked me in the face...
"tell me...if i died....would you go out drinking like that?" ... a pensive 60 seconds went by....
"maybe" ...that all i can say to her....honestly i didnt know how to react to that question....another 60 seconds went by....she finished her cigarette and her coffee....
"maybe it good enough for me" ....she packed her things....and before she go out the door she said...
"youre probably right" ....she toying with the lighter that i gave her...
"i come here to talk thing through...but i guess that not the point right now....is it?...i know well enough myself" ......
among the women a man meets in his life...there are only three who have real meaning for him....no more....no less....

Bad luck, blue eyes, goodbye

well....you shouldve called....i wouldnt have answered.....but you couldve text a message...which i wouldve quickly erased....

What make us different

berita sudah habis
18 ekor rimau
3 kupu kupu
bunga melati, abu, si matahari
masalah
nekad
obsessi
mencari 250 atau 350
niat sungguh suci
tapi
kesalahan yang dicipta
hati merah patah
itulah risiko
itulah beban
cuma
pengajaran belum di terima
yang normal
belum pasti mengerti
belum pasti menghargai
masih kabur
masih mentah
hati berdarah
jiwa berkecai
hanya mampu menilai
di waktu ini
di bawah pengaruh
masih kacau
2 pagi
mabuk lagi
tak akan ingat semua
bunga melati, abu, si matahari
teman sepi

STFU

why dont you go into the kitchen...and open the fridge....look in the back....all the way back....theres a can of coke...cold chillin....i want you to reach back there and take it...open it up and take a nice long drink....mmm...was good....wasnt it?...now i want you to look at the can and make sure its a 350ml can.....of Shut The Fuck Up.....

If you see kay

if you see kay...
you...
tell him he may...
you such a beach..
you...
see you and tea...
tell him from me...

it

Remorse

1. _____ are the last drink you never should drunk...
2. _____ is the body hidden in the trunk...
3. _____ is the habit you cant seem to quit...
4. _____ are my secrets on the front page every week...
5. _____ is the car you never should have bought...
6. _____ are the train you never should have caught...
7. _____ are the cut that makes me hide my face....
8. _____ are the party that makes me feel my age...

what is the difference between ignorance and apathy?....
i dont know and i dont care....

Heart

the tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention... that sometimes your heart takes you to places you shouldnt be.... places that are as scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring.....and sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending.....and thats not even the difficult part.....the difficult part is when you follow your heart....you leave normal....you go into the unknown....and once you do.....you can never go back.....

Romantic comedy

a few things ive learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life....a morning of awkwardness is better than a night of loneliness.....

you know most people....they go their whole life and they never find someone they love you know?....they say they do because everybodys the star of their own romantic comedy....but their full of shit....you...me...him...everybody...we had women that loved us for who we were.....really loved us for who we were....and we fucked it up.....for what....some stupid piece of ass we forget about ten minutes later?......

do man are such a dog.?...

actual mathematical equations devoted to this popular question have suggested it is true...though not for the simple reasons you might think....

Sad

the saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad..... you know.... when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go... "no... im happy for you?" thats when its really sad....

Unforced error

that day i met

a beatle
a spiderweb
a cherry blossom
a butterfly
a skull
and a tribal

all those things that werent supposed to happen?
they happened

the floodgates were expected to open
im sure the decision is in fact a correct decision but taken at a wrong time
what i like about this experience is
that it is such an honest thing
really?

you left me with
too small white gold ring
for what?

does nobody understand?
what happens next is up to me?

codeine . . . bourbon

does all hell break loose or will hell freeze over?

Secret

everbody has a secret world inside of them... all the people in the whole world... i mean everbody....no matter how dull or boring there are in the outside....inside them they all got unimaginable...not just one world...hundred of them ...thousand maybe....magnificent...wonderfull...stupid world....

Vain

youre so vain..
you probably think this post is about you...
youre so vain...
ill bet you think this post is about you...
dont you?..
dont you?...
some of the post it might be about you...
some may not...
some may seem it all about you...
but it about other people...
some may seem about other people...
but it definitely about you....
sometime it look like it about you...
but honestly it not....
it purely coincidence...
an honest mistake...
so chill out will ya....

Masterpiece

most of us have some hidden talent...some people can sing... some people can play music...some people good at math....some people are born athletic(but marathon it not a sport that need talent to be good....i write about this some other time)...some are good at drinking...some can do backflip and whatnot....mine is that im good at being a hypocrite.....i know that i am good at this...but this week im god...im so good even i believe it myself...hahaha....you should see me...im articulate...polite...funny...awesome...smart but not so smart...im likeable...im doing 180 man...those people worship me....if they know how i hate them.....loathe them...despise them...they would kill me....this week was my 4th ring for kobe...my treable for pep...my masterpiece...

Self-loathing

there is no right or wrong decision....only a consequences of that decision....i guess i dont like the consequences of my action very much right now....i need to get my shit together before it to late ....because i dont know what im doing half the time .... the other half im not so sure if i remember doing it.... but i do know this.... if i keep cracking joke....and taking another drink....and pretending that life is 1 stupid party....i will miss everthing....not everthing la.... some of it....a tiny litttle bit of what life is all about...

if you had another chance will you do it differently....well everbody say that... and its bullshit....cause you will do it just the same....

life is to fucking boring not to try......yeah....fuck that.....

Consultation

i dont know why i ask the question when i already know the answer but i wish i didnt.....the answer to the question.... although i may recall i didnt ask directly..... is within my own self....it a good solution....but i cant take it....thanks though...

Junkie

you know...
booze isnt really your drug of choice anyway....
youre addicted to chaos....
for some of us....
its coke.....
for some of us...
its bourbon.....
for some of us...
its x.....
but you?....
you got hooked on disaster....

Season/Series finale?

the original

the series started at 97... its run until 98 when the producer want to try something else... a lot of the original cast was changed after that...i watched it from the pilot until the season ended it 98... it was a good series.... a bunch of school leaver trying to adapt in a real world.....the chemistry between the cast were so good.... it make you think that the cast know each other long before the series started...but it a shame...most of the cast were changed for a new character...the series still air until now....but a lot have changed since 97.....now i watch a few episode of it... but i need to get to know some of the new character...which is kinda suck ...but gradually the series still have some good storyline to it....

stuck

this miniseries started in 98.... ive been watching it for almost 11 years....it tell a story about a different group of people stuck in a university....u got a nerd...a rebel...a slacker....a drama queen...the prom queen.... a jock.....a player...a bitch...all those group stuck together....it was good for the first half of the series...where there a lot of issues involve...it got some comedy...some action...the drama...the romantic....all of the genre were there....but after a few season ... the show become boring....the character have grown up...instead of showing all the fun the series had...it become a serious series...with an occasionally few fun ....most of the character in the series were married... only a few still single...which is the minorities....now the series theme are more to parenthood....it may be fun for some viewer but not to me...but lately there are some episode that was good.... it show some break up stuff...where some heart been broken...it also have some lesbian issues....and it also have an episode where the character bitching about another character....which is so much fun....other than that...it was the same old issues...im not sure wheter the series will continue or maybe the producer will have a spin-off for some of the character...

wasted

this was a fun show.... the show is all about partys...boozes...girls...drugs...and boozes....watching the show gave me some great moment....the episode where they throw one of the biggest party ever...where most of the cast were sooo wasted....then there was an episode when one of the character have 2 girlfriend at the same time....there also an episode when one of the cast were so wasted he became another person.....the show was a blast....the series started in 99....but i only saw the series in 03...at first i really hate the series.... some of the character were so fake....but eventually the series become better....by the end of 06 the show it not for me anymore....the writer dont have any new issues to write...so they start to create a romantic situation among the cast....the series is kinda Grey Anatomy but not....it become so predictable....

stoner

it a story about a group of stoner and 1 drug free dude...the show like a documentary.... showing all the process of gettin a hit...it like Weeds but it suckier than Weeds....i watch it for a couple of season...but right now i stop watching....

plan b

this is a new series that i watch.... it start in 01 but i religiously watch it in late 07....the show is like Lost...where u dont now what might happen in the next episode....u dont know what the show is all about... it have everything....but when im watching it sometime it felt like i dont belong to the show...because i dont know the history and the relationship between the cast...so it felt awkward sometime...but sometime kinda a feel good about it because not knowing make it a lot more fun.....this last few episode... the show kinda lost it spark...i dont know what happen ... but maybe the producer trying to go a different direction...maybe to capture a few more audience....some of the character are growing up.... move on to a different level...some are trying to grow up ...some become a different person...some even lost their cool.....the show become bleak and boring....maybe it just a while...i need to watch a few more episode to make my mind....

this is a review from one tv addict.

Getting close

here we are...all of us....basically alone...separate creatures just circling each other...all searching for that slightest hint of a real connection....some look in the wrong places....some.. they just give up hope because in their mind...theyre thinking "oh...theres nobody out there for me"....but all of us... we keep trying....over and over again.....why?...because.... every once in a while... every once in a while.... people meet....and theres that spark.... and yes...dude...they handsome... and they beautiful...they weird...they brutal...they ugly... and maybe thats all they see at first.... but getting to know other... thats when a group of people become one..... although it is scientifically impossible for two objects to occupy the same space..... but whats important is we try.....and when we do it right... we get close..... to what?... breaking the laws of physics?....a miracle?.....nah ... i dont know....but we get close to something....

I have seen the fnords

maybe it POS...
maybe deep in my mind i want to see it...
maybe it true ....
maybe im making it true so i would believe it....
maybe it was stage....
maybe it exist...
maybe it just apophenia....
maybe it just pareidolia....
maybe im paranoid....
maybe im thinking to much...
maybe im right....
maybe im wrong...
and maybe i have seen the fnords....

In my defence

remove everything pointless from an imperfect life and it'd lose even its imperfection.im free fallin.i wanna fall into nothing,i wanna leave this world for a while.

basically what the message mean is that everybody life suck...and if we ignore those flaw...the life itself would be meaningless....would be nothing....and once in awhile we want to escape .... and people do whatever it takes to break from the loop for just a moment....im not very sure about the true meaning of the message.....this is want i think what is supposed to means.... maybe at the very moment it have some profound or some deep explanation....but i dont remember...what im so sure that this message is not a...

cry for help...
an invitation for mano e mano session...
attention whore alert....
some corny hook up or pick up line...
definitely not a suicide note.....

Someone daughter, someone mother, someone wife

there i was ...
minding my own business...
chilling with few people....
you werent there though....
with a glass of pinot in my left....
and a bottle of chardonnay in my right...
looking happy...
it might be the happiest day in my whole life ...
living the moment....
the moment might be forever....
the scenery was delightful...
i can smell the rite smell...
i can hear the bird chipping while the blue at sunrise playing in background...
someone tap my shoulder....
i turned around...
she standing there...
someone daughter, someone mother,someone wife....
she pour the wine on my face...
throw the bottle into the pool...
and gave me a slap in the face...
what the fuck?...
no words...
no bitching....
no yelling....
just like that...
and it over...

come on dude...it supposed to be a good dream...or it should end with some happy ending...dude why on earth you were there....i dont care about the meaning or a clue or some deep shit pertaining to the dream.... why you were there....it confused me....what bother me the most is why you ruin it for me....damn you....

im disturbed yet curious....

ps
im bitching bout the her in the dream not on real life.... capiche

Termination of contract

29 May 2009

Mrs. Fifteen Diesel Whores
Assistant Chief of Fun Officer
Chubby Inc

RE: Termination of Mrs. Fifteen Diesel Whores Contract with Fifteen Beaches

Dear Mrs. Fifteen Diesel Whores,

top10beaches welcomes the decision made of Fifteen Beaches to terminate from the chill out contract previously made with the Mrs. Fifteen Diesel Whores. Fifteen Beaches has correctly determined that the agreement, as originally designed, cannot be properly fulfilled to Fifteen Beaches high international standards. top10beaches welcomes this news, and commends Fifteen Beaches for choosing the right course of action.

Regards,
top10beaches

Més que un club

his first season ever...
38 years old...
60 games played...
154 total goals...
105 goals in league...
average over 60% ball possession every single game...
19 La liga title...
25 Spanish cup...
3 Champion league...
1 arsenal "hero konon"...
1 monyet who score in the final...
1 greatest player who prove he better than chistina...
first club in Spain to win the treble of La Liga, Copa Del Rey and UEFA Champion League...

hehehehe.... gloating time.....

Nightmare

fact
a dream is the experience of envisioned images, sounds, or other sensations during sleep....the events of dreams are often impossible or unlikely to occur in physical reality, and are usually outside the control of the dreamer....

the story
im thinking about this weird dream i had last night that in retrospect is making me sort of sad.....scared...confused...repent...i wont go too into it...im not giving you details...well im confused as a baby in a topless bar....it so weird everything dont make senses...it also make me doubt every action made after the dream....as weird the dream seem.... it also felt so real....it fucked up everything that been planned...it made me do some soul searching....it made me wanted to play the white knight instead of the black king....maybe there are governing rules to how people behave and respond....maybe there is a scientific way of looking at emotions....maybe im just taking this too far....

question
what if you slept... and what if in your sleep you dreamed....and what if in your dream you went to someplace and there you picked a strange and beautiful flower....and what if when you awoke you had the flower in your hand?...... ah.....what then?.....

conclusion
god it feels so strange.... ive had periods of time before where i feel detached... but this is different....even though i dont really understand it after all....i dont even know what im talking about.... im not really sure what im trying to say..... i guess ill stop writing now.... im out of words for the moment....where the sejadah?...

Run out of luck

memories are may be the fuel they burn to stay alive....whether those memories have any actual importance or not.... it doesnt matter as far the maintenance of life is concerned.....they are all just fuel....advertising filler in the news paper....sidney books....dirty pictures in a magazine......a fucking proposal....when you feed them to fire....they are just paper....the fire isnt thinking 'oh this is worth a lot'....or 'oh this is the best seller'....or 'nice tits'....while it burns.....to the fire.....they are nothing but scraps of paper.....it is the exact same thing.....important memories.....not-so-important memories.....totally useless memories .....there is no distinction .....they are all just fuel.....

3 hours till the moon sleep.....so there were we....miss example-of-murphy-law...miss soon-to-be-mrs...trying to kill time before 8....talking...listening...watching PDA...smoking...in matter of days...it will be over...

it would be awesome if you guys cry during the main event....
it would be super awesome if you guys fall apart and hate each others and not friend anymore...
only time will tell that....
but it would be the man if you guys still together until one of you die....

Corny

when we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us.... we often find that it is those who... instead of giving advice... solutions.....or cures.... have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.....the dude who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion....who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement....who can tolerate not knowing.....not curing....not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness.....that is a dude who cares....

The M word

is it possible.. in the final analysis...for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another?...we can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person...but in the end....how close can we come to that person's essence?.... we convince ourselves that we know the other person well.... but do we really know anything important about anyone?.....

"what do you think?... im not a starfish or a pepper tree.... im a living, breathing human being.... of course ive been in love...."

that was my answer to her(not an exact quote,but it cooler this way), miss my-hobby-is-to-ask-other-personal-question...damn man.... she ask to many question... question that i dont even ask myself....she so nonchalant ask people bout their personal life... question that make you uncomfortable...

then there was miss i-go-with-the-flow which think that innocently(what another word for innocent .... ignorant... or what i like to call stupid) believe that relationship is all about heart...she foolishly believe that it nothing to do with experience or knowledge or hardwork or other things... "the heart want what the heart want" that is her mantra ...

all this questions and opinion doesnt seem to bother most people.... given the chance... people are surprisingly frank when they talk about themselves.... "im honest and open to a ridiculous degree"... theyll say.. or "im thin-skinned and not the type who gets along easily in the world...." or "im very good at sensing others true feelings...." but any number of times ive seen people who say theyre easily hurt... hurt other people for no apparent reason.... self-styled honest and open people... without realizing what theyre doing... blithely use some self-serving excuse to get what they want.... and those "good at sensing others true feelings" ...are duped by the most transparent flattery.... its enough to make me ask the question.... how well do we really know ourselves?"

Niche

i talk bad about dead people..
i fight the injured...
i dont like old people...
i not comfortable with other people parents...

that my fucking niche... u got it... now go mess with other people..

Equation

8.30 am + 1650 ml of brew malt + 200 micro gram of sabutomol + 64 mg of prednisolone + 4 hours of sleep + 6 mg of lorazepam + 450 ml of caffeine + 600 mg of tar and 45 mg of nicotine = ?

The answer

because you tired and you dont give a shit ....
it not supernatural.....

Talking jive

part one
that a thing about people knowing anything about you before you meet them.... is that you have to work just to get people back to knowing nothing about you..... so..... i would take me an hour or two at this point.... to ease someone mind into knowing nothing about me.... from thinking they know something about me.....

part two
part of me doesnt like it when everything works.... i dont think everybody like it when everything works..... when i was 25.... i dont want everything to work.... i knew those were the years that is suppose to be fight it out..... and to expect your whole life to be the place when you have to fight it out.... and then realise that you dont have to anymore....

part three
it only fun when youre trying to get into your grasp.... it like you know when you catch it... throw back into water and catch it again... that really what i wanna do in my whole life....

Halus

she smokes like an amethyst....
when shes deep in thought.....
her black hair curls down her slender white neck.....
on a cold lonely night she calls.....
sorry!.....
smoking a cigarette here and not divine!.....
she smokes a mild seven while a Nouvelle Vague song plays.....

For Love Not Lisa

i see what you did there...you trying to open me up so you could hurt my feeling...you like to hurt people.....well, i like to hurt people too....and you know what?....im better at it than you.....im about to hurt you more than you could ever can hurt me...... see, i just saw right through you....alone of all the people youll ever meet, i understand you....and youll never see me again....

Lies

if we could just be....
not want to be ...
and not try to be....
what would that look like?....
if you dissolve away the malicious lies....
the white lies....
and even the lies we dont know we were telling....
what would be left?.....

Beaches Bitching

i dont usually do this .....
but what the heck.....
i need to do this sometime.....
im sorry for bitching at you about my life.....
im sorry for ranting about my hatred for everything....
i know i have problem...
and it my fucking problem....
sorry for drag you into this mess....
im sorry for you guy that have to listen to me for the last 2 months....
im sorry ... i really am....

disclaimer....
anything before february im not gonna ask for forgiveness....
only february onwards to ends of march....

The girl at the beach

how many brain cells did i kill last night?....that the first thing that pop up in my mind when i wake up...last night for the first in my life ....no amount of alcohol cant get me forget all those shitty feeling....the problems....the feeling of emptiness....the void in my life....even for a while.....it was the lowest low point in my life....i tried to live my life to the best possible moment ...unsatisfied by the ordinary....im are reaching for an epic... extraordinary life...i have my fun... my moment....i tried everything with the limitation that i have....but even so... every now and then i would feel a violent stab of loneliness.... the very water i drink.....the very air i breathed....would feel like long....sharp needles....the pages of a book in my hands would take on the threatening metallic gleam of razor blades.....i could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at 6 o'clock in the morning.....but not last night....last night the loneliness was on another level....multiply that by infinity....take that to the depth of forever....and you still will barely have a glimpse of what im talking about....gile joe black...hahaha....it start with a call....and from there it was hell.....it like everybody and everything decided today was the day to fuck with me....they were like let make this guy day miserable....let fucked him up...let play with his mind....let gang rape this guy believe....and they did...they did it well....im fucked up real hard...i never felt bad about myself before but last night was an exception....im down....im alone and down....logically when you fucked up .... you need somebody to talk to....you need somebody to comfort you... and all those shit...guess what i do...i do what sane human would do... i call those that close to me... i need to talk to someone....and fate decide it otherwise....nobody answer my call...and i was fucked big time.....never in my life i felt this lonely....i need help but nobody wasnt there to help me...i was thinking if life supposed to be this hard?....am i not good enough?...i dont pray enough?....i was 5 buck short on the collection plate....yes... we are alone in the universe....yes...life is meaningless....death is inevitable....but is that necessary so depressing....i dont know what to do ... so i have a drink...i have 20 drinks....whatever i need to do to feel like a normal human being...i do it....i drink and i drink....and i didnt care about the consequences.... because i knew they couldnt be half as bad as not using it...and suddenly something happened....and you know.... this thought crossed my mind at the time....maybe this is what life is all about...this is how people live...this is my edge...maybe getting fucked up is a pretty common thing after all....those kinds of coincidences are happening all around us...all the time... but most of them dont attract our attention and we just let them go by....its like fireworks in the daytime.....you might hear a faint sound....but even if you look up at the sky you cant see a thing....but if we really hoping something may come true it may become visible....like a message rising to the surface....then we able to make it out clearly....decipher what it means.... and seeing it before us we surprised and wonder at how strange things like this can happen.....even though theres nothing strange about it.....so i found my edge....do i have the stone to live there?.....is this my fate?....sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions....you change direction but the sandstorm chases you....you turn again...but the storm adjusts....over and over you play this out.....why?...because this storm isnt something that blew in from far away....something that has nothing to do with you...this storm is you...something inside of you...so all you can do is give in to it....step right inside the storm...closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesnt get in...and walk through it....step by step...there no sun there...no moon...no direction...no sense of time....and you really will have to make it through that fucking storm. no matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be....make no mistake about it....it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades...people will bleed there....and you will bleed too....hot...red blood....you will catch that blood in your hands...your own blood and the blood of others....and once the storm is over you wont remember how you made it through....how you managed to survive....you wont even be sure...in fact...whether the storm is really over....but one thing is certain....when you come out of the storm you wont be the same person who walked in....that is what this all about....its like you go to the beach....you go down to the water....its a little cold....youre not sure you want to go in....there a pretty girl standing next to you....she doesnt want to go in either.....she sees you...and you know that if you just asked her her name....you would leave with her....forget your life....whoever you came with...and leave the beach with her....and after that day....you remember....not every day....not every week... she comes back to you....its the memory of another life you could have had....last night is that girl.....

Relationship

i always envy people who can say thing like " i love you" "i miss you" to their family .... to their parent... their brothers and sisters....it make me angry listening to those words... because believe it or not i never said it to my parent or my brother and sister..... never... it kill me when i saw or heard people around me saying that phrase.... it was like " yo dude can you show your affection somewhere else man" or " i know you love them but please ... dont rub it on me" ... something like that... see ... how freak am i?...i really hate when people do that because they got some balls to say that ... and i dont .... i dont know why.... but there a time and place where those phrase are supposed to be said but ... im chicken out the last minute....i really want to say those thing to my family .....but it floor me down when i cant said to them... i even cant text them those phrase.... yeah i know i got issues with this thing but dont tell me something i know ok?.... i can live with uncertainty and not knowing... i think its much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong.... i have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of certainty about different things.... but im not absolutely sure of anything and there are many things i dont know anything about.... such as whether it means anything to ask why we have to do that?.....why suddenly it all on me?.... i dont have to know the answer......i dont feel frightened by not knowing things.... by being lost in a mysterious history without any purpose... which is the way it really is as far as i can tell...... it doesnt frighten me......but..... doubt fuck everything man.....seriously dude...take a foundation.. no matter how strong.... sprinkle generously with doubt... and watch it crumble....everybody born with some different thing at the core of their existence..... and that thing... whatever it is.... becomes like a heat source that runs each person from the inside..... i have one too... of course..... like everybody else..... but sometimes it gets out of hand.... It swells or shrinks inside me....and it shakes me up.....what I really like to do is find a way to communicate that feeling to another person..... but i cant seem to do it...... they just dont get it..... of course.... the problem could be that im not explaining it very well.... or because they not listening very well..... they pretend to be listening.... but they not.... really..... so I get worked up sometimes..... and I do some crazy things.....there comes a time when every dude needs to make a choice.... whether its a professional choice or whether its a personal choice.......in the end.... its about integrity....and its about chasing after what you really want.... even if that means showing you both care a little...... and sometimes... well... sometimes you just have to do whats right for your family.... even if it means sacrificing your own happiness.....your dream.... when it comes down to it....you just have to be proud of the decision you make....relationships are so... fragile.....it just takes one thing....one... tiny little offense...and it can snowball on you.... and if that snowball starts to pick up speed... god forbid.... you better tuck and go dude.....relationships dont work the way they do on television and in the movies..... will they?... wont they?.... and then they finally do.... and they happy forever.....yeah gimme a break..... and im telling you right now....through all this stuff i have not become a cynic.... i havent..... yes... i do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies..... you can call me a sucker...i dont really care....because i do believe in it..... bottom line is... relationship between you and the person you love.... wade through the same crap as everybody else.... but the big difference is they dont let it take them down..... one of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time..... if its right... and they real lucky.... one of them will say something.............yeah im sorry ma.....

Death

you know how i hate roommate right.....this couple of month death is like my roommate....im not saying im suicidal or im thinking about death or experience with death....but couple of friends and family around me are passed away.... at first i dont really give a damn about it... because im not really that close to those people..... one guy used to be close to me... but that a long time ago....and others... some we used to hang out and some were distant cousin or relative....i never have anybody that very close to me died.... except my arwah opah.....when she died at first i dont have this sadness or grieve feeling toward the news.... maybe it because im not there when she passed away .... im somewhere else.... but when i saw the body of arwah ..... only god know how i felt....all the emotions start to show little by little....you start to think what if?....why dont i spend more time with her?....why dont i call her more often?...thing like that a kept playing on your mind..... and i dont realize that there a tear coming from my eyes.... all the cliche about grieve were there..... actually you have been spoon fed with "appreciate those you love while they alive because any day will be their last" sort of thing..... in movies...books...from other people experience....but i dont really take that stories as a reminder.... as something to take note of....at the back of my mind i dont think that this thing will happen to me....it will happen.... but not to me.....that kind of egoistic make me regret more....all of this make me thinking...how do we live or life?....no matter how deep and fatal the loss.... no matter how important the thing that stolen from us....that snatched right out of our hands...even if we are left completely changed....with only the outer layer of skin from before.... we continue to play out our lives this way....in silence....we draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time....bidding it farewell as it trails off behind.....repeating...often adroitly...the endless deeds of the everyday.....leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.....so what can i do now?...most probally nothing....just think about what comes before words..... im owe that to the dead...... as time goes on....maybe i will understand.....what lasts... lasts... what doesnt... doesnt....time solves most things..... and what time cant solve.... i have to solve it myself.... is that too much to ask?....sure...a little maybe...well of course it does...i doubt that this makes sense to most people...... but I think im right..... people die all the time....life is a lot more fragile than we think..... so you should treat others in a way that leaves no regrets...... fairly... and if possible....sincerely....its too easy not to make the effort....then weep and wring your hands after the person dies......but that would be real hard...isnt it?....yes it does.....but its worth trying for.....

everything passes....nobody gets anything for keeps.....and that how we have got to live....

rest in peace guys.....al-fatihah....amen....

Where the light is

well i stand outside in the smoky bar....drinking rain so slow.... and the light are flickering red and green... but i crave cold to black....and the night is swallow me up....watch me down and so...all i want is to be free from the mind which trouble me ...my only friend... is draft on the left and mojito on my right ... if i break up or even bend...i sacrifice who i ever been...im i still the same... all the blame are always fall on me...well im incomplete... so i move around all the puddle special over my feet... my emotion have no bound...and i weep to keep me from drowning down...im so tired from living the way i do.... something got to give.... but im longed to life....who said i was falling... it aint my fault?...no....really?

Monday

i was check in by 4....
put the sign on the door.....
look up the window of the 11th floor.....
talk to city that know me by name and all the bad thing that i do......
i shed 5 bitter tears into 5 bitter beers.....
look up my watch and say "when have the year gone".....
im wasting away like a castle of clay....
slowly crumble into.....
i was fucked by 5.....
talking nothing but jive.....
told the bartender he never take me alive......
all of this because i dont sleep for 19 hours straight.....
so i call up marie.....
she have sex for free.....
for a couple of free cocktail she listen to me....
talk about memories and relationship....
and why i can cope up with the scene....
every monday i got this pain....
every wednesday it hit my brain.....
every friday i die.....
cause every day i still dont have my freedom.....

Rules

well im sick of all the rule....there to many of them....if we follow all of them life would be boring....no more surprise....no more despair.....no more taking chances.....yes.... chances are... i will not live happily ever after.... the overwhelming odds have it ending badly.... and when that happen.... it will be for one of a million possible reasons....but doesnt mean that im not gonna try....and when it does failed.... so help me god.... it not gonna be because of some silly rule.....

A Cigarette,Shoes and a Finger

Check Out

so check it out... right...
i try every approach to living...
i try... try it all...
i havent try everything but i try every approach...
sometime you have to try everything...
to get the approach the same...
but...whatever...
i try it all...
bought a bunch of stuff ....
and like nahh .. i dont like that...
i kinda came into that for a couple of time....
i thought i would shut myself off...
i thought maybe that cool....
maybe that what you should have to do to be genius...
is you have to be mad...
so if you could be mad before the word genius...
maybe you can make genius appear...
right?...
that doesnt work either....
and im in a good place...
im pace myself pretty well....
im near 30 ....
ive seen some cool stuff...
made a lot of stuff happen for myself...
im made a lot of stuff happen for myself...
right...
that a really cool sentence when you in your 20s....
"im made it happen for myself man"....
but all that mean...
it that im just somehow i found i way ....
to synthesize love...
or synthesize soothing...
you cant get that...
and what im saying is...
ive mess with all the approach except for one...
and it gonna sound really corny...
but that just love...that just love...
im done everything in my life that i wanna do ...
except just give and feeling love for my living...
and i dont mean like...
roman-candle-firework-hollywood-hot-pink love...
i mean like i-got-your-back love...
i dont need to hear "i love you"...
you guys love me ....
and i love you ....
we got that down....
but some other people who would tell you they love you...
it the same people who be the last who have your back....
so ....
im gonna experiment with this love thing...
giving love...
feeling love...
i know it sound really corny....
but it the last thing i got to check out...
before i check out...

AA

my name is ___...
im an addict ....
it been 9 hours since my last fix...
im ok if you care....
but the itch is killing me....
the last 7 days was a blast...
i slept an average 3 hours a day...
most of my time either in office or in datacenter....
how do i know im an addict?...
i no longer watch tv...
i answer my phone even though im asleep...
i no longer have a proper dinner...
i dont have a weekends...
but mostly because of this....
ive turned down an invitation to a bachelor party....
it not an ordinary bachelor party...
it was a bachelor party that you seen on tv shows or movies...
where they have booze and striper....
booze and striper...
damn...
im a workaholic....
yeah....i said it...
i dont want to be like chubby used to be...
i hate this fucking job....
im so quiting this job....
tomorrow... i will get wasted.....

Petroglyph

always a bridesmaid never a bride

Hope

are you here to punish us men?....
you got all the quality for us to fall into....
do you were created by pure hatred?...
but you come out beautiful....
this "beautiful evil" were offering seductive gifts....
and they name you ....
all-gifted....
sometime ....
your deceitful feminine nature become least of my worry...
although...
your purpose is to multiply all the trouble....
for you who bring with you a pithos....
at first....
i did not want to throw my life away....
no matter how much the other evils might torment me...
but rather to go on letting myself be tormented anew....
then....
to that end....
you promptly scattered the contents of your pithos....
releasing all the evil of mankind....
but one is left behind.....
elpis....
for a moment elpis was left within her unbreakable house...
before long...
elpis carrying flowers or cornucopia in her hands....
in truth......
it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs my torment....
it dont matter ....
either out of curiosity or malicious act....
yes....
you are anesidora....

White

hi....
can you do me a big favor and just slap me and walk with disgust?....
please....

Free

i wanna smoke cigarette in my sleep...
i wanna drink until my liver cry...
i wanna capture all those moment...
i wanna remembered all those line...
i wanna watch every sunrise on an old bench at the quiet beach...
i wanna read until my finger bleed....
i wanna sleep until im bored....
i wanna hang out until my buntut say fuck off....
i wanna play all video games whenever i want....
i wanna chill everywhere ....
i wanna live in that moment over and over again....
it sound stupid.....but why not?......
i wanna write a song....
when the sky is empty and the earth is dry....
im pouring my passion for you.....
make you crazy and make you thirsty....
i want the whole world to know youre mine....
the weather gone mad and the see is boiling....
that why i want to seize the day....
stop wasting time.....
and be a dream chaser....
an angel like you...
should have wing and name....
should have fatal beauty...
should belong for me once....
the ends of the world scare me not.....
i will keep enjoying myself....
cause creating you make me less piss off.....

Wish

dont know why midori came by...
but i could see by the look in her eyes....
midori been drinking at laundry for a while....
playing with the thought of leaving..
dont know why but midori just smiled..
and mentioned something about how you were right..
must have been hard to see through the tears she was hiding...
she said "i might not be seeing him soon"...
"i have got a few things i have been waiting to do"...
midori came by tonight...
she says to say goodbye...
looked outside at the car in the drive...
and the suitcase on the back seat inside...
sure its so she cant look out behind at the road...
dont look down she seemed alright...
you might be asking where is midori tonight?....
somewhere out on the highway im sure she is fine....

Fundamentally Loathsome

do you dream that the world will know your name?.... so tell me your name...and do you care about all the little thing or anything at all?...hope you dont....i want to feel all the chemical inside ... i wanna feel... i want to know how it feel to be .25 ....i want a sunburn just to know that im alive....not be zombie without control and feeling ....and that why i have dark skin color....i wanna live just to seize the day when we all get along....i wanna scream ... scream my hatred out loud for everyone to hear....and knowing how screw up i am.....do you believe in the day that you were born? ... please tell me you believe....do you know that everyday is the first of the rest of your life?....i just figure it out recently....and you know the pain that brought you here today ... so what can you fucking do?....and you know the tears for losing those you love .. when yesterday gone....so please remember not to waste another day .... not to worry your mind....dont be a pussy to cash in the winning lottery...and please forgive me for taking so much time ... to get back on my feet....im not sorry for the thing ive done .... but for wasting your time....when you have so much hope in me....what you dont realize is that im always a low-life-scumbag-loser-jerk-man-on-the-side not a update-in-thing-current-issues-classy-default-pretentious-prick that you want me to be....and i will fight it out cause i know i can...and i will sleep tight cause i know i can....i wont surrender....and Dr please dont tell me if im dying ... cause i dont wanna know....if cant see the sun maybe i should go....and dont wake me up because im dreaming of slutty pumpkin....where everyone you know are leaving to soon....

this is to one last day in a shadow ... and to know a brother love...
this to california city angel ... and the crazy people that she met....
this to all of us....

Tired

flat on the floor looking back...
on old life...
or lack thereof...
after all the crushes are faded...
and all my wishful thinking was wrong...
im jaded...
i hate it....
no im not the man i used to be lately....
see you met me at an interesting time...
if my past is any sign of your future...
you should be warned before i let you inside...
damn...
its kinda hard trying to survive...
in all this crazy weather...
everybody wants my number...
everybody calling my name ...
now all of these people ask me...
is it lonely at the top...
or do I find comfort in all the things I got...
well these car keep me moving...
these wine keep me high...
friends.... check...
money....check...
good times... check...
entertainment... check...
all... check...
all of you.... check...
everyone.... check...
having fun....check...
and i dont know what it is...
no i dont know what it is at all??...
something missing.....
but all I feel alone...
it might be a quarter life crisis....
or just the stirring in my soul ....
so i will check the weather wherever you are...
cause i wanna know if you can see the stars tonight...
might be my only right...
should have smiled in that picture....
if its the last that i will see of you...
its the least that you...
could not do...
i guess its the price i have to pay...
still ....
everything happens for a reason...
3 more traffic light to my apartment but...
i am tempted to keep the car in drive....
and leave it all behind....

you be a bitch because you can....

Levant Epiphany

have you ever been in dupdvwxv?... horrible isnt it?... it makes you so vulnerable.... it opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up..... you build up all these defenses..... you build up a whole armor... for years... so nothing can hurt you... then one stupid person... no different from any other stupid person... wanders into your stupid life... you give them a piece of you.... they didnt ask for it.... they did something dumb one day... like kiss you or smile at you....and then your life isnt your own anymore..... dupdvwxv takes hostages.... it gets inside you..... it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness.... so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart..... it hurts..... not just in the imagination..... not just in the mind..... its a soul-hurt.... a body-hurt.... a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain..... nothing should be able to do that..... especially not dupdvwxv....

abstain eleventh chippy!!!

Verb

in vietnamese...
trong == to think high of, to hold in esteem....
yeah rite....
but in reality...
or in a parallel universe...
it more suitable for this...
trong == totally and utterly fucked up,things are really fucked up...

my life definition is not like throwing a dice in a Lord of The Ring Risk board game ....
but like an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room .....
with blank cards .....
for infinite stakes ....
with a dealer who wont tell you the rules ....
and who smiles all the time ....

im tronged .....

Antipathy

i know...
days will come and go...
but dude we will grow old...
but we will die...
for now...
is it worth it to be sad...
if it's harder to be glad...
to be alive...

but the trouble i have caused...
i wonder....
where do i belong....
is it here?....

laugh about the past...
and secretly...
wish we could go back...
and save the heart....
as i look around this room...
seeing worried eyes i know....
its time we cannot buy....
was this worth the time to write....

Desire

hanging out at idaman
the same old thing we did last week
not a thing to do but talk to you

hisap shisa dengan gigi
the aircond suck but we dont care
some will gone but lepak live on
hell yeah

we still rocking in idaman
we're all alright
we're all alright
yeah, haha, oh

play gin rummy untill 4 pagi
loser nye die kena jentik banyak kali

not a thing to do but talk to you
not a thing to do hell yeah
we still rocking in idaman
we're all alright
we're all alright
yeah,oh yeah,oh yeah

menyanyi ikut lagu thats 70s show by Cheap Trick

Rebel

one thing which makes us find so few people who appear reasonable and agreeable in conversation is.... that there is scarcely any one who does not think more of what he is about to say than of answering precisely what is said to him.....what the topic of our conversation when we hangout....what we talk about....i have this set of "friend" that i usually hang out with...we talk about everthing...our past...our litle problem....what we do over the weekend...where we want to go for holiday...we talk about ghost and porn...we talk about who we hate the most...we talk about people who are really annoying and stuff .... basicly we talk about everthing and anything .... that does matter in our pathetic life... which for me was awesome... and fun ....and amazing....and original... but i do have another set of "friend" who talk about current issues....political status in our country and stuff... they talk about the in thing in the news...where this people take the mainstream opinion and discuss it over dinner... they talk about the family and the marriage realtionship... cause most of them are married... and i felt out of place in the conversation...because some of us... the minority are not into that kind of shit yet... so please be reasonable ok ... we are there to.... i also have this set of "friends" who talk about their accomplishment in life... dont be wrong im happy for your success...but do you need to fight among yourself....who have the best job... who have the biggest salary... who have the cool car...who have the beautiful wife/girlfriend... who have the expensive iron.... you guys being doing this thing for a long time .... dont you guy get tired of it .... if you really want to brag because that your thing.... because that your adrenaline rush... why dont you guy fight who are the biggest asshole in the group....fuck face....there another set of "friend" who i use to hangout with them... but we dont see each other much.... recently we met and hangout ...and it was like hello, darkness, my old "friend"... hahaha... it was peculiar....this people that i used to know are totally in a different shell....they not in the same shell that i know them...i was like in the time of chimpanzees i was a monkey... or in the time of monkey i was a chimpanzees .... they change for god sake.... and i dont...and that was disturbing....the guy that used to be a punkster...is a clean cut guy....no more piercing... no more boot...and he have hair...the guy who used to be a black metal hardcore fan ... is no longer have long hair.... no more black nail polish .... no more dimmu borgir t-shirt...the gut who used to be a tupac shakur fanatic....is no longer talk about gansta rap and shit... this is from a guy who can recite the whole lyric of tupac shakur song without even blink....and this one guy who used to worship rage againt the machine ..... is no longer talk about freedom... no longer talk about this fucked up system .... i was shock to see this changes happen... from a group of people that used to break a rule for a sake of breaking a rule.... just for fun of it ... this was a group of people who get into the system to prove that the system is wrong....but what happen in 10 years....they change...they said "it not me againt the world anymore"... i was stunned ... for me it still me againt the world... were this group of people change so drasticly that they become another set of my "friend"...talking bout current issues and brag about stuff...but no they only change in their shell but not in their heart....their still bleed rebel...they talk about nationalist....socialist....communism....they talk about cuba....about how they worship north korea...about the different between islamic political system in turkey and malaysia... they talk about prevention of bribery in indonesia.... how SBJ mastermind the plan ... they talk about ghandi and the form of pakistan and bangladesh....they talk about thing that i dont have a clue about it but yet im interested and curius...there i understand ... only the shell change not the soul .... i still have hope....and still have a "friend"....

Deep

i fear that i will always be
a lonely number like root three
a three is all that's good and right
why must my three keep out of sight
beneath a vicious square root sign
i wish instead i were a nine
for nine could thwart this evil trick
with just some quick arithmetic
i know i'll never see the sum, as 1.7321
such is my reality, a sad irrationality
when hark! what is this i see
another square root of a three
has quietly come waltzing by
together now we multiply
to form a number we prefer
rejoicing as an integer
we break free from our mortal bonds
and with a wave of magic wands
our square root signs become unglued
and love for me has been renewed

The Square Root of 3 by David Feinberg

im disturbed yet curious.....

Joke

skating uphill is awesome...
it weird ...
but amazing...
years of gliding downhill and pushing uphill...
and now its suddenly gliding both way....
its like going from C to Python...
you dont realize how much time you spending on the boring parts...
until you dont have to do it anymore....
but coding C or assembly make you a better programmer....
maybe the boring part build character...
yeah...
but it depend on how you want to spend your life....

life a waste of time... time a waste of life so lets all get wasted and have the time of our life....

Comfortable

you not the people im hanging out with..
you not the person im asking a favor...
you not even the guy that i talk to....
you not even a dude on my hate list ...
you dont even deserve my hypocrite....

it doesnt matter what you did...
it doesnt matter what i felt...
what matter is that you did something...
and for that thing i wont forget....
waiting for a right time to return the favor......

Bebel from another me to me

with my 11 days off...
my good time and my stage fright...
in another night...
where the lights are loud and bright....
one dream from waking up saved....
too shy to hold in the rage ... i hope that was a wrong line....
i know no luxury....
of knowing what your eyes read....
i know one million ways ... yes i do...
to always pick the wrong thing to say....
a love that you never gave....
i told you i always a time zone away....
dude its not out of spite....
i just know whats right....
sometimes a memory....
only sees what it wants to believe....
and whats filled in between....
are days and nights that dont ever mean a thing ... you know they dont...
it such a simple suicide...
some people call it a second chance that they never tried...
what i want you to understand....
sometime i need a helping hand...
so you think that youve seen it all....
is that a fact?....
so out your mouth a dictionary....
spouts about this and that...
you got your dos, your donts...
your because and your why....
i dont trust that motherfucker too...
who dont take their own advice....

Mind Fuck

it start with a ....

and things got real suddenly .... no more fantasy .... no more illusion.... like your worst nightmare coming true .... things that i believe (psychological state in which an individual holds a proposition or premise to be true) is substantial.... what a fucked up world we live in ..... hahaha ...what if you sincerely believed something was true... but you were dead wrong?... what if you were so stubbornly sure that you were right... that you wouldnt even consider the truth?... would the truth be silenced... or would it try to break through?....

never cross my mind that this will happen to me ... ive felt saudated .... longing for things that ive known but not remembered ... i have what i need ... checked everything that i own literary and figuratively .... but something is missing ...in speaking of this desire ... which i find in myself even now... i feel a certain shyness... i am almost committing an indecency.... i am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you... ive open a pandora box ... things that i dont want to know ... things that i shouldnt know .... and things that never cross my mind ... all absorbing into this shity things call brain of mine ... the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like "memories" and "those are the days" and "my younger day"... the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when.. in very intimate conversation..the mention of it becomes imminent...we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves... the secret we cannot hide and cannot tell...though we desire to do both.... we cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience..... we cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it... and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name.....our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter.....is this a jokes? ... an inside joke only fews understand it.... while we stumble and fall ... try to stand back .... we amuse an elite group of people who have this schadenfreude emotion towards other ... im not mad .... im in rage .... in fact im rager than rage (if such a word exist) .... my heart fill with hatred ... because there are few thing that i dont understand ... and i cant find someone who understand all this shit .... and its knock me ... damnnn... haihhhhhhh....

i used to think somewhere in the future ... i will change ... i will have my own transformation ... my refinement of self ... or someone will change me... nahhhh...maybe ive lost a lot of my brain cell ... due to excessive drinking and inhaling those cigarette smoke .....how do i come with that thought?.... crap ... people cant change .... only a tiny fraction may change a little bit ... but to change drastically ... maybe 1 in a trillion or something like that ... the percentage is low ... so much low .... we are who we are ... attitude cannot be change in an instant ... it take years of everything to be who you are .... everything that happen in the past... doesnt matter what it is ... it build your character ...our expedient was to identify it with certain moments in our own past.... but all this is a cheat.... If we had gone back to those moments in the past... we would not have found the thing itself... but only the reminder of it... what we remembered would turn out to be itself a remembering.... all this bullshit is a tease.... forbidden to remember yet terrified to forget.... it was a hard line to walk.... damnnnn..... dont get me wrong ....i dont hate my life .... i love it .... im not hating myself ....i worship it... it just something that i dont agree .... something that need to be said .... im not saying my life is perfect ... i cheat ... i lie.... i altered certain things to make me feel good... im just saying that how you sleep at night when you tell someone with your poker face that things will be alright when it is not ..... you promise them things that you will know that you gonna break it in a future.... you keep building the lies that to make up for all that you lack.... the books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them...it was not in them... it only came through them....and what came through them was longing.... these things ...the beauty... the memory of our own past....are good images of what we really desire... but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb fuck...breaking the hearts of their worshipers....for they are not the thing itself.... they are only the scent of a flower we have not found....the echo of a tune we have not heard.... news from a country we have never yet visited....

maybe it was still raining but i didnt notice... i didnt care....

ive got pwned with fate so badly ive throw up a little bit.... i am newb to this game .... a low level necromancer with a white bone wand .... haahahha.....