Mind Fuck

it start with a ....

and things got real suddenly .... no more fantasy .... no more illusion.... like your worst nightmare coming true .... things that i believe (psychological state in which an individual holds a proposition or premise to be true) is substantial.... what a fucked up world we live in ..... hahaha ...what if you sincerely believed something was true... but you were dead wrong?... what if you were so stubbornly sure that you were right... that you wouldnt even consider the truth?... would the truth be silenced... or would it try to break through?....

never cross my mind that this will happen to me ... ive felt saudated .... longing for things that ive known but not remembered ... i have what i need ... checked everything that i own literary and figuratively .... but something is missing ...in speaking of this desire ... which i find in myself even now... i feel a certain shyness... i am almost committing an indecency.... i am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you... ive open a pandora box ... things that i dont want to know ... things that i shouldnt know .... and things that never cross my mind ... all absorbing into this shity things call brain of mine ... the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like "memories" and "those are the days" and "my younger day"... the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when.. in very intimate conversation..the mention of it becomes imminent...we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves... the secret we cannot hide and cannot tell...though we desire to do both.... we cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience..... we cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it... and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name.....our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter.....is this a jokes? ... an inside joke only fews understand it.... while we stumble and fall ... try to stand back .... we amuse an elite group of people who have this schadenfreude emotion towards other ... im not mad .... im in rage .... in fact im rager than rage (if such a word exist) .... my heart fill with hatred ... because there are few thing that i dont understand ... and i cant find someone who understand all this shit .... and its knock me ... damnnn... haihhhhhhh....

i used to think somewhere in the future ... i will change ... i will have my own transformation ... my refinement of self ... or someone will change me... nahhhh...maybe ive lost a lot of my brain cell ... due to excessive drinking and inhaling those cigarette smoke .....how do i come with that thought?.... crap ... people cant change .... only a tiny fraction may change a little bit ... but to change drastically ... maybe 1 in a trillion or something like that ... the percentage is low ... so much low .... we are who we are ... attitude cannot be change in an instant ... it take years of everything to be who you are .... everything that happen in the past... doesnt matter what it is ... it build your character ...our expedient was to identify it with certain moments in our own past.... but all this is a cheat.... If we had gone back to those moments in the past... we would not have found the thing itself... but only the reminder of it... what we remembered would turn out to be itself a remembering.... all this bullshit is a tease.... forbidden to remember yet terrified to forget.... it was a hard line to walk.... damnnnn..... dont get me wrong ....i dont hate my life .... i love it .... im not hating myself ....i worship it... it just something that i dont agree .... something that need to be said .... im not saying my life is perfect ... i cheat ... i lie.... i altered certain things to make me feel good... im just saying that how you sleep at night when you tell someone with your poker face that things will be alright when it is not ..... you promise them things that you will know that you gonna break it in a future.... you keep building the lies that to make up for all that you lack.... the books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them...it was not in them... it only came through them....and what came through them was longing.... these things ...the beauty... the memory of our own past....are good images of what we really desire... but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb fuck...breaking the hearts of their worshipers....for they are not the thing itself.... they are only the scent of a flower we have not found....the echo of a tune we have not heard.... news from a country we have never yet visited....

maybe it was still raining but i didnt notice... i didnt care....

ive got pwned with fate so badly ive throw up a little bit.... i am newb to this game .... a low level necromancer with a white bone wand .... haahahha.....

Coding

journey (char , char , char )
{

int read;
FILE *ptr;
ptr = fopen ("joke.png");
while (( read=fgetc(ptr)) !=EOF)
{
printf("%c",read);
}
fclose(ptr);

}
main()
{
int her;
for (her = 1; her > 1; her++)
{

if ( her == 0x2c)
break;
else
journey(life,universe,everything);

}
printf("Are you sure?\n");
}

crap ...

Reverie

when did we forget our dreams? ....

the infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind ... the sheer number of experiences i could have is uncountable ... breathtaking ... and im sitting here refreshing my inbox ... we live trapped in loops .... reliving a few days over and over ... and we envision only a handful of paths laid out ahead of us ... we see the same things each day ... we respond the same way ... we think the same thoughts ... each day a slight variation of the last ... every moment smoothly following the gentle curves of society norms ... we act like we just get through today... tommorrow our dreams will come back to us ....

and no ... i dont have all the answer ... i dont know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become ... but i do know one thing ... the solution doesnt involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of someday easing my fit into a mold ... it doesnt involve tempering my life to better fit someone's expectations ... it doesnt involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking thing up ...

this is very important ... so i want to say it clearly as i can ...

FUCK ... THAT ... SHIT ...

Random

Some random thought.....

• watching Ip man make you wanna go berserk against everyone who gave you a weird look..
• life is full of surprises, but never when you need one..
• i like it better when i`m unmotivated and i don`t care..
• this act of rebellion would be meaningful to me if you stop supporting it wholeheartedly...
• there is no problem so awful that you cant add some guilt to it and make it even worse...
• life is lot easier if i keep my expectation low...
• yes, it does take away 7 minutes of my life... i am not a slave to it.... its actually the other way around.... when im smoking, i own that cigarette.... and that isnt really a bad place to be in...
• why my phone always restarting when im in melaka?..
• always thought that 50 miss call is annoying ... but it actually mean that people do care for you ... although their ranting and scolding is not exactly fun....
• some malay song does evolve quite nice..
• every little thing that i do ... i know someday will have a great effect in my life ....like a chaos theory....
• randomness is not really random at all .... it always have it own unique pattern....
• dont know when the feeling will sink .... try to speed up the process by manipulating the environment.... waiting for the worse ... but everything are a little bit slow ....
• 2 days trip to the south was above average .... it will get better if the waitress at eleven give me at least 2 more shot of sambuca...
• having tea in zheng he house was so serene and peaceful .....
• always have a plan C because plan A and plan B will not always work .... believe me on this ...
• if you think there will be a possible 2 choice .... think against ....
• if you have to make a decision make sure you have what its take ... or dont make any
• real time decision it not perfect.... it always have flaw...
  
• have a dialog with yourself once a while because the voice know what you really want ...
• second opinion or third opinion it just another opinion .... you know the answer before you heard their opinion...
• 786 is a cool slang word ....
• sometime im tired of playing stupid...
• 200 kg = your mum.... 220 kg = your mum include cheap jewelry... 224 kg = your mum include cheap jewelry plus makeup .....
• starting WIFI autoconfiq ... searching for WIFI.... found no open networks ... found secure net SSID "cool_chick_network"...trying common password ... failed... checking for WEP vulnerabilities... none found ... connecting to bluetooth phone... calling local network... found cool_chick_friend... notifying field agent .. friend aquired ..calling cool_chicks... negotiating for WIFI password... fuck ... fuck ...CTRL-C.... CTRL-C....
• maybe it to early for jokes huh....
• some night typing "hug" just doesnt cut it...
• when you start to understand ... to figure it out ... to feel the meaning ... when the tears start to fall... then the dj change the song ... WTF!!!!1111oneone1111!!!!.... crap duh ....hahahhaha....
• sometime i wonder what if my blood level is .25 ...
  
• new year celebration was so awesome .....
• i wonder .... i could spend 100 bucks on guitar or i could buy 5 shot of jager bomb and play the air guitar...
• prev->next=toDelete->delete->next; delete toDelete; //if only forgetting were this easy for me .... haihhhh ... sniff ...... assert" it going to be okay ";
• still to early for jokes .....damn....
• the phrase " abang gedeng apa barang" still playing in my head...
• on subject of abang gedeng .... feel like one when i wear those shirt from animal .... warghhhhhhh ...
• am i narcissist.. full of my self ... proud of my fault ... stubborn ... opinionated ... see others as weak .... ignorant ....inferior ..... ??? ... maybe i am....
• sometime people ask me a question that i dont have the time to ask me yet.....
• wish that wise men told me a lie ....
• hope that i can live a life like python ... everything is so simple ... where Hello World is just ... print "Hello World" ... to overcome stress just typed .... import antistress .... to having fun just typed ....import fun
• maybe life is a pursuit of unatainable perfection ... maybe is imposibble to create something bug free or idiot proof .... maybe im a fool ... maybe the tyranny of murphy law is a penalty of hubris ....
• you can be mad in the morning or the afternoon instead .... but you choose not to .... damn ...
• one hand on the trigger of the telephone.... wonderin when the call comes... when you say its all right.... haahahahaha
• to start a new life ... do you have to let go the old one?.....
• qilin or chilin .... yeah ... nice word though ....
• playing cool consume a lot man ....
• where to find neil gaiman novel?.......
• communication is so important yet so highly overrated....
• hope it about time the for jokes.....
  

Veisalgia

To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible....

i was at this bar right.... trying to have some fun while it still open .... all the normal stuff ... get wasted ... have some buzz ... couple of fight ... get rejected... you know thing people do before the bar is closed .... then out of nowhere something attract me ... something exquisite ... stunning ... ravishing ..... i try to analyse it from far ... try to get a glimpse what it look like ... got intimated at first ... the voice inside my head tell me it just a temporary .... a cache .... volatile ... but im drawn to this ... so i get closer ... to figure it out what is this thing .... it spell Absinthe ..... damnnnn .... it something that ive been looking for .... i was on seven heaven .... i was elated .... i find something that i need ... something that suited me ... it perfect like a glove .... but i got this mixed feeling .... there is no turning back if i take this Absinthe .... the after effect is devastating .... either it give me euphoria or catastrophic feeling ....haihhhhhhhhh ... so i wait ... make some reaserch about this Absinthe ... try to find more ... the more i wait the more i want it .... it killing me .... im start to do stupid thing .... hold the bottle .... see it from a different view ....read the content like it was a text book ... those kind of thing .... i also get envious when other people have it .... it stress me out ... after a while ... cant stand it anymore .... made my desicion .... i prepared for the worst case scenario and stuff .... i set my expectation low .... taking my own advise... i got a taste of Absinthe ... it was good ... it better that good .... i feel free ... i feel relieved .... after all the waiting ... but it last for a second .... because there a twist .... im too ready for the worst case .... i got blitz from other scenario .... something that im not prepare .... something anomaly .... something out of ordinary ... something that only a cool drink can gave you ... im dazed ... dont know how to deal with this feeling ... not sure what the next step ..... either left it there and never coming back .... untill time tell ... or be cool about it .... the problem with the latter, what if i crave for another taste .... what if im addicted to it .... aint it back to the beginning? .... crap.... still doesnt have an answer for that .... can i live in denial? ... am i cool enough? ... questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask, right?.... haihhhhhhhhhhh....

i dont know what the next step .... i dont know what the future might hold ... maybe tomorrow wasnt really something to think about.... and let fate decide it otherwise .... whatever happen im glad i taste this Absinthe ... im grateful that i made this mistake ... i have no regret .... it a beautiful mistake ... it a great ride ... although it a shame it have to stop ... but im happy that i get a taste before the bar is close ... i like to think that i made something right after all those fucked up thing ive done since the the bar is open ... still have the hangover to prove it ....whatever happen after this, only one thing im sure of .... Absinthe will always be my constant.... it may sound pathetic ...it may sound ridiculous... but a night like this it not something you can forget.... it gonna live with you through out your life..... six number one more to dial............

what the word for feeling guilty, relieved, proud and obsolete all at the same time

I'd like that

when you first meet somebody.. you find out they like you.. first of all.. a friend of a friend of theirs say.. he or she really really likes you.. and it kills you.. floors you.. sends you to the ground.. you have got to pick yourself up off the ground.. then you get their phone number and you call them up.. right.. and you say "yeah.. that's a really great phone conversation.. can i see you some time?"... and then they say this.. they say.. "i'd like that"... nothing feels better than "i'd like that"... so now... your blood pressures goin.. you are six feet off the ground.. you cant sleep.. because of "i'd like that".. so then you hang out for a while.. and you call and you talk on the phone all the time.. and then you drop the bomb... what feels like the bomb, you say.. "you know what, ive been thinkin about you a lot".. and she goes.. "ahhhhhhh!"... and you go "what happened?" and she goes.. "im sorry, i just, i just, i just, that's, ive been thinking about you too"... bam... higher into the sky.... but now "i'd like that"... tch... done.... now you are up to "im thinkin about you"... then however number of months pass... it makes you feel comfortable saying it.. you say "i gotta tell you something"... they go "what?"... you go "im in love with you".. And nothing in the world sounds better than "im in love with you"... and then maybe she starts crying.. or maybe he goes "*gasp*"... and all the sudden you're like "im in".. but now what doesn't work?.. "i'd like that".. and "ive been thinkin about you".. now we're at "im in love with you".. then maybe some day it'll move up to "i love you"... fast forward... now you're like "i love you a lot.. i love you more than anything in life"... now "i love you" doesn't work... its a threshold that keeps movin up... fast forward, like six months, six weeks, whatever the case may be.. now you're on like, "i want to marry you".. "i want to impregnate you with my love".. "i wanna, i wanna just send my love to you"... "damn it, words don't work anymore".. and then you say this line, and you know, you know you've used this line before.. "i just wish they'd put a new word in the dictionary bigger than love because love just doesn't describe what i feel".. and so now he or she starts askin.. "do you love me?" and you start goin.. "of course I love you".. "well say it".. and then it becomes "say it twice".. and it goes "say it three times".. and then, you cross a really interesting point.. where all the sudden it becomes "i hate you, i hate you".. and you go, "oh my god she hates me".. and now it's like "i hate you more than anything".. and then it's like "we're over".. and then they go "no we're not".. and you go "yes we are".. now the words completely do not work at all.. you are left with nothing.. you are throwing punches under water.. you are done.. you know what the moral of that story is.. if there is one... never, ever, ever, ever underestimate the power of "i'd like that"...yeah ... who am i kidding....

Friends

what the real definition?...
mine ... is just a couple people you comfortable with...
to learn it from other ...
open my mind a little bit ...
but im still a misanthrope....
it doesnt not change much ...
well, I do things you know....
stupid, illogical, inefficient things, humans, get use to it......
all of us wear masks...
they can be worn out of love and the desire to remain close to those around us....
to spare them from the complicated reality of our frayed psyches.....
we trade honesty for companionship....
and in the process never truly know the hearts closest to us.....

i wish i had more friends...but people are such jerks....
if you can just get most people to leave you alone.... you are doing good.....
if you can find even one person you really like.... you are lucky....
and if that person can also stand you.... you are really lucky...
what if you find someone you can talk to while you smoke cigarette on a bright sunday morning?....
well, yeah...
i suppose there's no point in getting greedy, is there?....
am i at peace with myself?....
am i still under scotoma influences?....
are my dopamine in my caudate nucleus is low?...

to say it out loud that i hate this word ..... it something .........

New Year

what i think bout new year....

excuse to get wasted....
excuse to do stupid thing....
resolutions?... ME??....
just what are you implying?....
that i need to change??.....
well...
fuckface....
as far as im concerned....
im perfect the way i am!....
for your information....
im staying like this....
and everyone else can just get used to it!....
If people dont like me the way i am....
well.....
i gave you jari hantu!....
Its a free country!.....
i dont need anyone's permission to be the way i want!.....
this is how i am....
take it or leave it!.....
damnnn.....
life's too darn short to waste time trying to please every meddlesome moron who's got an idea how i ought to be!.....
i dont need advice!.....
everyone can just stay out of my face!....

to those people that im comfortable with .... dont fucking change .... i like the way you are .... but a litle tweak here and there would be nice ....
happy fucking new year .... may your wish do come true .....