Mind Fuck

it start with a ....

and things got real suddenly .... no more fantasy .... no more illusion.... like your worst nightmare coming true .... things that i believe (psychological state in which an individual holds a proposition or premise to be true) is substantial.... what a fucked up world we live in ..... hahaha ...what if you sincerely believed something was true... but you were dead wrong?... what if you were so stubbornly sure that you were right... that you wouldnt even consider the truth?... would the truth be silenced... or would it try to break through?....

never cross my mind that this will happen to me ... ive felt saudated .... longing for things that ive known but not remembered ... i have what i need ... checked everything that i own literary and figuratively .... but something is missing ...in speaking of this desire ... which i find in myself even now... i feel a certain shyness... i am almost committing an indecency.... i am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you... ive open a pandora box ... things that i dont want to know ... things that i shouldnt know .... and things that never cross my mind ... all absorbing into this shity things call brain of mine ... the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like "memories" and "those are the days" and "my younger day"... the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when.. in very intimate conversation..the mention of it becomes imminent...we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves... the secret we cannot hide and cannot tell...though we desire to do both.... we cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience..... we cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it... and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name.....our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter.....is this a jokes? ... an inside joke only fews understand it.... while we stumble and fall ... try to stand back .... we amuse an elite group of people who have this schadenfreude emotion towards other ... im not mad .... im in rage .... in fact im rager than rage (if such a word exist) .... my heart fill with hatred ... because there are few thing that i dont understand ... and i cant find someone who understand all this shit .... and its knock me ... damnnn... haihhhhhhh....

i used to think somewhere in the future ... i will change ... i will have my own transformation ... my refinement of self ... or someone will change me... nahhhh...maybe ive lost a lot of my brain cell ... due to excessive drinking and inhaling those cigarette smoke .....how do i come with that thought?.... crap ... people cant change .... only a tiny fraction may change a little bit ... but to change drastically ... maybe 1 in a trillion or something like that ... the percentage is low ... so much low .... we are who we are ... attitude cannot be change in an instant ... it take years of everything to be who you are .... everything that happen in the past... doesnt matter what it is ... it build your character ...our expedient was to identify it with certain moments in our own past.... but all this is a cheat.... If we had gone back to those moments in the past... we would not have found the thing itself... but only the reminder of it... what we remembered would turn out to be itself a remembering.... all this bullshit is a tease.... forbidden to remember yet terrified to forget.... it was a hard line to walk.... damnnnn..... dont get me wrong ....i dont hate my life .... i love it .... im not hating myself ....i worship it... it just something that i dont agree .... something that need to be said .... im not saying my life is perfect ... i cheat ... i lie.... i altered certain things to make me feel good... im just saying that how you sleep at night when you tell someone with your poker face that things will be alright when it is not ..... you promise them things that you will know that you gonna break it in a future.... you keep building the lies that to make up for all that you lack.... the books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them...it was not in them... it only came through them....and what came through them was longing.... these things ...the beauty... the memory of our own past....are good images of what we really desire... but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb fuck...breaking the hearts of their worshipers....for they are not the thing itself.... they are only the scent of a flower we have not found....the echo of a tune we have not heard.... news from a country we have never yet visited....

maybe it was still raining but i didnt notice... i didnt care....

ive got pwned with fate so badly ive throw up a little bit.... i am newb to this game .... a low level necromancer with a white bone wand .... haahahha.....