Self-loathing

there is no right or wrong decision....only a consequences of that decision....i guess i dont like the consequences of my action very much right now....i need to get my shit together before it to late ....because i dont know what im doing half the time .... the other half im not so sure if i remember doing it.... but i do know this.... if i keep cracking joke....and taking another drink....and pretending that life is 1 stupid party....i will miss everthing....not everthing la.... some of it....a tiny litttle bit of what life is all about...

if you had another chance will you do it differently....well everbody say that... and its bullshit....cause you will do it just the same....

life is to fucking boring not to try......yeah....fuck that.....

Consultation

i dont know why i ask the question when i already know the answer but i wish i didnt.....the answer to the question.... although i may recall i didnt ask directly..... is within my own self....it a good solution....but i cant take it....thanks though...

Junkie

you know...
booze isnt really your drug of choice anyway....
youre addicted to chaos....
for some of us....
its coke.....
for some of us...
its bourbon.....
for some of us...
its x.....
but you?....
you got hooked on disaster....

Season/Series finale?

the original

the series started at 97... its run until 98 when the producer want to try something else... a lot of the original cast was changed after that...i watched it from the pilot until the season ended it 98... it was a good series.... a bunch of school leaver trying to adapt in a real world.....the chemistry between the cast were so good.... it make you think that the cast know each other long before the series started...but it a shame...most of the cast were changed for a new character...the series still air until now....but a lot have changed since 97.....now i watch a few episode of it... but i need to get to know some of the new character...which is kinda suck ...but gradually the series still have some good storyline to it....

stuck

this miniseries started in 98.... ive been watching it for almost 11 years....it tell a story about a different group of people stuck in a university....u got a nerd...a rebel...a slacker....a drama queen...the prom queen.... a jock.....a player...a bitch...all those group stuck together....it was good for the first half of the series...where there a lot of issues involve...it got some comedy...some action...the drama...the romantic....all of the genre were there....but after a few season ... the show become boring....the character have grown up...instead of showing all the fun the series had...it become a serious series...with an occasionally few fun ....most of the character in the series were married... only a few still single...which is the minorities....now the series theme are more to parenthood....it may be fun for some viewer but not to me...but lately there are some episode that was good.... it show some break up stuff...where some heart been broken...it also have some lesbian issues....and it also have an episode where the character bitching about another character....which is so much fun....other than that...it was the same old issues...im not sure wheter the series will continue or maybe the producer will have a spin-off for some of the character...

wasted

this was a fun show.... the show is all about partys...boozes...girls...drugs...and boozes....watching the show gave me some great moment....the episode where they throw one of the biggest party ever...where most of the cast were sooo wasted....then there was an episode when one of the character have 2 girlfriend at the same time....there also an episode when one of the cast were so wasted he became another person.....the show was a blast....the series started in 99....but i only saw the series in 03...at first i really hate the series.... some of the character were so fake....but eventually the series become better....by the end of 06 the show it not for me anymore....the writer dont have any new issues to write...so they start to create a romantic situation among the cast....the series is kinda Grey Anatomy but not....it become so predictable....

stoner

it a story about a group of stoner and 1 drug free dude...the show like a documentary.... showing all the process of gettin a hit...it like Weeds but it suckier than Weeds....i watch it for a couple of season...but right now i stop watching....

plan b

this is a new series that i watch.... it start in 01 but i religiously watch it in late 07....the show is like Lost...where u dont now what might happen in the next episode....u dont know what the show is all about... it have everything....but when im watching it sometime it felt like i dont belong to the show...because i dont know the history and the relationship between the cast...so it felt awkward sometime...but sometime kinda a feel good about it because not knowing make it a lot more fun.....this last few episode... the show kinda lost it spark...i dont know what happen ... but maybe the producer trying to go a different direction...maybe to capture a few more audience....some of the character are growing up.... move on to a different level...some are trying to grow up ...some become a different person...some even lost their cool.....the show become bleak and boring....maybe it just a while...i need to watch a few more episode to make my mind....

this is a review from one tv addict.

Getting close

here we are...all of us....basically alone...separate creatures just circling each other...all searching for that slightest hint of a real connection....some look in the wrong places....some.. they just give up hope because in their mind...theyre thinking "oh...theres nobody out there for me"....but all of us... we keep trying....over and over again.....why?...because.... every once in a while... every once in a while.... people meet....and theres that spark.... and yes...dude...they handsome... and they beautiful...they weird...they brutal...they ugly... and maybe thats all they see at first.... but getting to know other... thats when a group of people become one..... although it is scientifically impossible for two objects to occupy the same space..... but whats important is we try.....and when we do it right... we get close..... to what?... breaking the laws of physics?....a miracle?.....nah ... i dont know....but we get close to something....

I have seen the fnords

maybe it POS...
maybe deep in my mind i want to see it...
maybe it true ....
maybe im making it true so i would believe it....
maybe it was stage....
maybe it exist...
maybe it just apophenia....
maybe it just pareidolia....
maybe im paranoid....
maybe im thinking to much...
maybe im right....
maybe im wrong...
and maybe i have seen the fnords....

In my defence

remove everything pointless from an imperfect life and it'd lose even its imperfection.im free fallin.i wanna fall into nothing,i wanna leave this world for a while.

basically what the message mean is that everybody life suck...and if we ignore those flaw...the life itself would be meaningless....would be nothing....and once in awhile we want to escape .... and people do whatever it takes to break from the loop for just a moment....im not very sure about the true meaning of the message.....this is want i think what is supposed to means.... maybe at the very moment it have some profound or some deep explanation....but i dont remember...what im so sure that this message is not a...

cry for help...
an invitation for mano e mano session...
attention whore alert....
some corny hook up or pick up line...
definitely not a suicide note.....

Someone daughter, someone mother, someone wife

there i was ...
minding my own business...
chilling with few people....
you werent there though....
with a glass of pinot in my left....
and a bottle of chardonnay in my right...
looking happy...
it might be the happiest day in my whole life ...
living the moment....
the moment might be forever....
the scenery was delightful...
i can smell the rite smell...
i can hear the bird chipping while the blue at sunrise playing in background...
someone tap my shoulder....
i turned around...
she standing there...
someone daughter, someone mother,someone wife....
she pour the wine on my face...
throw the bottle into the pool...
and gave me a slap in the face...
what the fuck?...
no words...
no bitching....
no yelling....
just like that...
and it over...

come on dude...it supposed to be a good dream...or it should end with some happy ending...dude why on earth you were there....i dont care about the meaning or a clue or some deep shit pertaining to the dream.... why you were there....it confused me....what bother me the most is why you ruin it for me....damn you....

im disturbed yet curious....

ps
im bitching bout the her in the dream not on real life.... capiche

Termination of contract

29 May 2009

Mrs. Fifteen Diesel Whores
Assistant Chief of Fun Officer
Chubby Inc

RE: Termination of Mrs. Fifteen Diesel Whores Contract with Fifteen Beaches

Dear Mrs. Fifteen Diesel Whores,

top10beaches welcomes the decision made of Fifteen Beaches to terminate from the chill out contract previously made with the Mrs. Fifteen Diesel Whores. Fifteen Beaches has correctly determined that the agreement, as originally designed, cannot be properly fulfilled to Fifteen Beaches high international standards. top10beaches welcomes this news, and commends Fifteen Beaches for choosing the right course of action.

Regards,
top10beaches

Més que un club

his first season ever...
38 years old...
60 games played...
154 total goals...
105 goals in league...
average over 60% ball possession every single game...
19 La liga title...
25 Spanish cup...
3 Champion league...
1 arsenal "hero konon"...
1 monyet who score in the final...
1 greatest player who prove he better than chistina...
first club in Spain to win the treble of La Liga, Copa Del Rey and UEFA Champion League...

hehehehe.... gloating time.....

Nightmare

fact
a dream is the experience of envisioned images, sounds, or other sensations during sleep....the events of dreams are often impossible or unlikely to occur in physical reality, and are usually outside the control of the dreamer....

the story
im thinking about this weird dream i had last night that in retrospect is making me sort of sad.....scared...confused...repent...i wont go too into it...im not giving you details...well im confused as a baby in a topless bar....it so weird everything dont make senses...it also make me doubt every action made after the dream....as weird the dream seem.... it also felt so real....it fucked up everything that been planned...it made me do some soul searching....it made me wanted to play the white knight instead of the black king....maybe there are governing rules to how people behave and respond....maybe there is a scientific way of looking at emotions....maybe im just taking this too far....

question
what if you slept... and what if in your sleep you dreamed....and what if in your dream you went to someplace and there you picked a strange and beautiful flower....and what if when you awoke you had the flower in your hand?...... ah.....what then?.....

conclusion
god it feels so strange.... ive had periods of time before where i feel detached... but this is different....even though i dont really understand it after all....i dont even know what im talking about.... im not really sure what im trying to say..... i guess ill stop writing now.... im out of words for the moment....where the sejadah?...

Run out of luck

memories are may be the fuel they burn to stay alive....whether those memories have any actual importance or not.... it doesnt matter as far the maintenance of life is concerned.....they are all just fuel....advertising filler in the news paper....sidney books....dirty pictures in a magazine......a fucking proposal....when you feed them to fire....they are just paper....the fire isnt thinking 'oh this is worth a lot'....or 'oh this is the best seller'....or 'nice tits'....while it burns.....to the fire.....they are nothing but scraps of paper.....it is the exact same thing.....important memories.....not-so-important memories.....totally useless memories .....there is no distinction .....they are all just fuel.....

3 hours till the moon sleep.....so there were we....miss example-of-murphy-law...miss soon-to-be-mrs...trying to kill time before 8....talking...listening...watching PDA...smoking...in matter of days...it will be over...

it would be awesome if you guys cry during the main event....
it would be super awesome if you guys fall apart and hate each others and not friend anymore...
only time will tell that....
but it would be the man if you guys still together until one of you die....

Corny

when we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us.... we often find that it is those who... instead of giving advice... solutions.....or cures.... have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.....the dude who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion....who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement....who can tolerate not knowing.....not curing....not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness.....that is a dude who cares....

The M word

is it possible.. in the final analysis...for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another?...we can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person...but in the end....how close can we come to that person's essence?.... we convince ourselves that we know the other person well.... but do we really know anything important about anyone?.....

"what do you think?... im not a starfish or a pepper tree.... im a living, breathing human being.... of course ive been in love...."

that was my answer to her(not an exact quote,but it cooler this way), miss my-hobby-is-to-ask-other-personal-question...damn man.... she ask to many question... question that i dont even ask myself....she so nonchalant ask people bout their personal life... question that make you uncomfortable...

then there was miss i-go-with-the-flow which think that innocently(what another word for innocent .... ignorant... or what i like to call stupid) believe that relationship is all about heart...she foolishly believe that it nothing to do with experience or knowledge or hardwork or other things... "the heart want what the heart want" that is her mantra ...

all this questions and opinion doesnt seem to bother most people.... given the chance... people are surprisingly frank when they talk about themselves.... "im honest and open to a ridiculous degree"... theyll say.. or "im thin-skinned and not the type who gets along easily in the world...." or "im very good at sensing others true feelings...." but any number of times ive seen people who say theyre easily hurt... hurt other people for no apparent reason.... self-styled honest and open people... without realizing what theyre doing... blithely use some self-serving excuse to get what they want.... and those "good at sensing others true feelings" ...are duped by the most transparent flattery.... its enough to make me ask the question.... how well do we really know ourselves?"

Niche

i talk bad about dead people..
i fight the injured...
i dont like old people...
i not comfortable with other people parents...

that my fucking niche... u got it... now go mess with other people..

Equation

8.30 am + 1650 ml of brew malt + 200 micro gram of sabutomol + 64 mg of prednisolone + 4 hours of sleep + 6 mg of lorazepam + 450 ml of caffeine + 600 mg of tar and 45 mg of nicotine = ?

The answer

because you tired and you dont give a shit ....
it not supernatural.....

Talking jive

part one
that a thing about people knowing anything about you before you meet them.... is that you have to work just to get people back to knowing nothing about you..... so..... i would take me an hour or two at this point.... to ease someone mind into knowing nothing about me.... from thinking they know something about me.....

part two
part of me doesnt like it when everything works.... i dont think everybody like it when everything works..... when i was 25.... i dont want everything to work.... i knew those were the years that is suppose to be fight it out..... and to expect your whole life to be the place when you have to fight it out.... and then realise that you dont have to anymore....

part three
it only fun when youre trying to get into your grasp.... it like you know when you catch it... throw back into water and catch it again... that really what i wanna do in my whole life....

Halus

she smokes like an amethyst....
when shes deep in thought.....
her black hair curls down her slender white neck.....
on a cold lonely night she calls.....
sorry!.....
smoking a cigarette here and not divine!.....
she smokes a mild seven while a Nouvelle Vague song plays.....

For Love Not Lisa

i see what you did there...you trying to open me up so you could hurt my feeling...you like to hurt people.....well, i like to hurt people too....and you know what?....im better at it than you.....im about to hurt you more than you could ever can hurt me...... see, i just saw right through you....alone of all the people youll ever meet, i understand you....and youll never see me again....

Lies

if we could just be....
not want to be ...
and not try to be....
what would that look like?....
if you dissolve away the malicious lies....
the white lies....
and even the lies we dont know we were telling....
what would be left?.....

Beaches Bitching

i dont usually do this .....
but what the heck.....
i need to do this sometime.....
im sorry for bitching at you about my life.....
im sorry for ranting about my hatred for everything....
i know i have problem...
and it my fucking problem....
sorry for drag you into this mess....
im sorry for you guy that have to listen to me for the last 2 months....
im sorry ... i really am....

disclaimer....
anything before february im not gonna ask for forgiveness....
only february onwards to ends of march....

The girl at the beach

how many brain cells did i kill last night?....that the first thing that pop up in my mind when i wake up...last night for the first in my life ....no amount of alcohol cant get me forget all those shitty feeling....the problems....the feeling of emptiness....the void in my life....even for a while.....it was the lowest low point in my life....i tried to live my life to the best possible moment ...unsatisfied by the ordinary....im are reaching for an epic... extraordinary life...i have my fun... my moment....i tried everything with the limitation that i have....but even so... every now and then i would feel a violent stab of loneliness.... the very water i drink.....the very air i breathed....would feel like long....sharp needles....the pages of a book in my hands would take on the threatening metallic gleam of razor blades.....i could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at 6 o'clock in the morning.....but not last night....last night the loneliness was on another level....multiply that by infinity....take that to the depth of forever....and you still will barely have a glimpse of what im talking about....gile joe black...hahaha....it start with a call....and from there it was hell.....it like everybody and everything decided today was the day to fuck with me....they were like let make this guy day miserable....let fucked him up...let play with his mind....let gang rape this guy believe....and they did...they did it well....im fucked up real hard...i never felt bad about myself before but last night was an exception....im down....im alone and down....logically when you fucked up .... you need somebody to talk to....you need somebody to comfort you... and all those shit...guess what i do...i do what sane human would do... i call those that close to me... i need to talk to someone....and fate decide it otherwise....nobody answer my call...and i was fucked big time.....never in my life i felt this lonely....i need help but nobody wasnt there to help me...i was thinking if life supposed to be this hard?....am i not good enough?...i dont pray enough?....i was 5 buck short on the collection plate....yes... we are alone in the universe....yes...life is meaningless....death is inevitable....but is that necessary so depressing....i dont know what to do ... so i have a drink...i have 20 drinks....whatever i need to do to feel like a normal human being...i do it....i drink and i drink....and i didnt care about the consequences.... because i knew they couldnt be half as bad as not using it...and suddenly something happened....and you know.... this thought crossed my mind at the time....maybe this is what life is all about...this is how people live...this is my edge...maybe getting fucked up is a pretty common thing after all....those kinds of coincidences are happening all around us...all the time... but most of them dont attract our attention and we just let them go by....its like fireworks in the daytime.....you might hear a faint sound....but even if you look up at the sky you cant see a thing....but if we really hoping something may come true it may become visible....like a message rising to the surface....then we able to make it out clearly....decipher what it means.... and seeing it before us we surprised and wonder at how strange things like this can happen.....even though theres nothing strange about it.....so i found my edge....do i have the stone to live there?.....is this my fate?....sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions....you change direction but the sandstorm chases you....you turn again...but the storm adjusts....over and over you play this out.....why?...because this storm isnt something that blew in from far away....something that has nothing to do with you...this storm is you...something inside of you...so all you can do is give in to it....step right inside the storm...closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesnt get in...and walk through it....step by step...there no sun there...no moon...no direction...no sense of time....and you really will have to make it through that fucking storm. no matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be....make no mistake about it....it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades...people will bleed there....and you will bleed too....hot...red blood....you will catch that blood in your hands...your own blood and the blood of others....and once the storm is over you wont remember how you made it through....how you managed to survive....you wont even be sure...in fact...whether the storm is really over....but one thing is certain....when you come out of the storm you wont be the same person who walked in....that is what this all about....its like you go to the beach....you go down to the water....its a little cold....youre not sure you want to go in....there a pretty girl standing next to you....she doesnt want to go in either.....she sees you...and you know that if you just asked her her name....you would leave with her....forget your life....whoever you came with...and leave the beach with her....and after that day....you remember....not every day....not every week... she comes back to you....its the memory of another life you could have had....last night is that girl.....

Relationship

i always envy people who can say thing like " i love you" "i miss you" to their family .... to their parent... their brothers and sisters....it make me angry listening to those words... because believe it or not i never said it to my parent or my brother and sister..... never... it kill me when i saw or heard people around me saying that phrase.... it was like " yo dude can you show your affection somewhere else man" or " i know you love them but please ... dont rub it on me" ... something like that... see ... how freak am i?...i really hate when people do that because they got some balls to say that ... and i dont .... i dont know why.... but there a time and place where those phrase are supposed to be said but ... im chicken out the last minute....i really want to say those thing to my family .....but it floor me down when i cant said to them... i even cant text them those phrase.... yeah i know i got issues with this thing but dont tell me something i know ok?.... i can live with uncertainty and not knowing... i think its much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong.... i have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of certainty about different things.... but im not absolutely sure of anything and there are many things i dont know anything about.... such as whether it means anything to ask why we have to do that?.....why suddenly it all on me?.... i dont have to know the answer......i dont feel frightened by not knowing things.... by being lost in a mysterious history without any purpose... which is the way it really is as far as i can tell...... it doesnt frighten me......but..... doubt fuck everything man.....seriously dude...take a foundation.. no matter how strong.... sprinkle generously with doubt... and watch it crumble....everybody born with some different thing at the core of their existence..... and that thing... whatever it is.... becomes like a heat source that runs each person from the inside..... i have one too... of course..... like everybody else..... but sometimes it gets out of hand.... It swells or shrinks inside me....and it shakes me up.....what I really like to do is find a way to communicate that feeling to another person..... but i cant seem to do it...... they just dont get it..... of course.... the problem could be that im not explaining it very well.... or because they not listening very well..... they pretend to be listening.... but they not.... really..... so I get worked up sometimes..... and I do some crazy things.....there comes a time when every dude needs to make a choice.... whether its a professional choice or whether its a personal choice.......in the end.... its about integrity....and its about chasing after what you really want.... even if that means showing you both care a little...... and sometimes... well... sometimes you just have to do whats right for your family.... even if it means sacrificing your own happiness.....your dream.... when it comes down to it....you just have to be proud of the decision you make....relationships are so... fragile.....it just takes one thing....one... tiny little offense...and it can snowball on you.... and if that snowball starts to pick up speed... god forbid.... you better tuck and go dude.....relationships dont work the way they do on television and in the movies..... will they?... wont they?.... and then they finally do.... and they happy forever.....yeah gimme a break..... and im telling you right now....through all this stuff i have not become a cynic.... i havent..... yes... i do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies..... you can call me a sucker...i dont really care....because i do believe in it..... bottom line is... relationship between you and the person you love.... wade through the same crap as everybody else.... but the big difference is they dont let it take them down..... one of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time..... if its right... and they real lucky.... one of them will say something.............yeah im sorry ma.....

Death

you know how i hate roommate right.....this couple of month death is like my roommate....im not saying im suicidal or im thinking about death or experience with death....but couple of friends and family around me are passed away.... at first i dont really give a damn about it... because im not really that close to those people..... one guy used to be close to me... but that a long time ago....and others... some we used to hang out and some were distant cousin or relative....i never have anybody that very close to me died.... except my arwah opah.....when she died at first i dont have this sadness or grieve feeling toward the news.... maybe it because im not there when she passed away .... im somewhere else.... but when i saw the body of arwah ..... only god know how i felt....all the emotions start to show little by little....you start to think what if?....why dont i spend more time with her?....why dont i call her more often?...thing like that a kept playing on your mind..... and i dont realize that there a tear coming from my eyes.... all the cliche about grieve were there..... actually you have been spoon fed with "appreciate those you love while they alive because any day will be their last" sort of thing..... in movies...books...from other people experience....but i dont really take that stories as a reminder.... as something to take note of....at the back of my mind i dont think that this thing will happen to me....it will happen.... but not to me.....that kind of egoistic make me regret more....all of this make me thinking...how do we live or life?....no matter how deep and fatal the loss.... no matter how important the thing that stolen from us....that snatched right out of our hands...even if we are left completely changed....with only the outer layer of skin from before.... we continue to play out our lives this way....in silence....we draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time....bidding it farewell as it trails off behind.....repeating...often adroitly...the endless deeds of the everyday.....leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.....so what can i do now?...most probally nothing....just think about what comes before words..... im owe that to the dead...... as time goes on....maybe i will understand.....what lasts... lasts... what doesnt... doesnt....time solves most things..... and what time cant solve.... i have to solve it myself.... is that too much to ask?....sure...a little maybe...well of course it does...i doubt that this makes sense to most people...... but I think im right..... people die all the time....life is a lot more fragile than we think..... so you should treat others in a way that leaves no regrets...... fairly... and if possible....sincerely....its too easy not to make the effort....then weep and wring your hands after the person dies......but that would be real hard...isnt it?....yes it does.....but its worth trying for.....

everything passes....nobody gets anything for keeps.....and that how we have got to live....

rest in peace guys.....al-fatihah....amen....