The girl at the beach

how many brain cells did i kill last night?....that the first thing that pop up in my mind when i wake up...last night for the first in my life ....no amount of alcohol cant get me forget all those shitty feeling....the problems....the feeling of emptiness....the void in my life....even for a while.....it was the lowest low point in my life....i tried to live my life to the best possible moment ...unsatisfied by the ordinary....im are reaching for an epic... extraordinary life...i have my fun... my moment....i tried everything with the limitation that i have....but even so... every now and then i would feel a violent stab of loneliness.... the very water i drink.....the very air i breathed....would feel like long....sharp needles....the pages of a book in my hands would take on the threatening metallic gleam of razor blades.....i could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at 6 o'clock in the morning.....but not last night....last night the loneliness was on another level....multiply that by infinity....take that to the depth of forever....and you still will barely have a glimpse of what im talking about....gile joe black...hahaha....it start with a call....and from there it was hell.....it like everybody and everything decided today was the day to fuck with me....they were like let make this guy day miserable....let fucked him up...let play with his mind....let gang rape this guy believe....and they did...they did it well....im fucked up real hard...i never felt bad about myself before but last night was an exception....im down....im alone and down....logically when you fucked up .... you need somebody to talk to....you need somebody to comfort you... and all those shit...guess what i do...i do what sane human would do... i call those that close to me... i need to talk to someone....and fate decide it otherwise....nobody answer my call...and i was fucked big time.....never in my life i felt this lonely....i need help but nobody wasnt there to help me...i was thinking if life supposed to be this hard?....am i not good enough?...i dont pray enough?....i was 5 buck short on the collection plate....yes... we are alone in the universe....yes...life is meaningless....death is inevitable....but is that necessary so depressing....i dont know what to do ... so i have a drink...i have 20 drinks....whatever i need to do to feel like a normal human being...i do it....i drink and i drink....and i didnt care about the consequences.... because i knew they couldnt be half as bad as not using it...and suddenly something happened....and you know.... this thought crossed my mind at the time....maybe this is what life is all about...this is how people live...this is my edge...maybe getting fucked up is a pretty common thing after all....those kinds of coincidences are happening all around us...all the time... but most of them dont attract our attention and we just let them go by....its like fireworks in the daytime.....you might hear a faint sound....but even if you look up at the sky you cant see a thing....but if we really hoping something may come true it may become visible....like a message rising to the surface....then we able to make it out clearly....decipher what it means.... and seeing it before us we surprised and wonder at how strange things like this can happen.....even though theres nothing strange about it.....so i found my edge....do i have the stone to live there?.....is this my fate?....sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions....you change direction but the sandstorm chases you....you turn again...but the storm adjusts....over and over you play this out.....why?...because this storm isnt something that blew in from far away....something that has nothing to do with you...this storm is you...something inside of you...so all you can do is give in to it....step right inside the storm...closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesnt get in...and walk through it....step by step...there no sun there...no moon...no direction...no sense of time....and you really will have to make it through that fucking storm. no matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be....make no mistake about it....it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades...people will bleed there....and you will bleed too....hot...red blood....you will catch that blood in your hands...your own blood and the blood of others....and once the storm is over you wont remember how you made it through....how you managed to survive....you wont even be sure...in fact...whether the storm is really over....but one thing is certain....when you come out of the storm you wont be the same person who walked in....that is what this all about....its like you go to the beach....you go down to the water....its a little cold....youre not sure you want to go in....there a pretty girl standing next to you....she doesnt want to go in either.....she sees you...and you know that if you just asked her her name....you would leave with her....forget your life....whoever you came with...and leave the beach with her....and after that day....you remember....not every day....not every week... she comes back to you....its the memory of another life you could have had....last night is that girl.....