Relationship

i always envy people who can say thing like " i love you" "i miss you" to their family .... to their parent... their brothers and sisters....it make me angry listening to those words... because believe it or not i never said it to my parent or my brother and sister..... never... it kill me when i saw or heard people around me saying that phrase.... it was like " yo dude can you show your affection somewhere else man" or " i know you love them but please ... dont rub it on me" ... something like that... see ... how freak am i?...i really hate when people do that because they got some balls to say that ... and i dont .... i dont know why.... but there a time and place where those phrase are supposed to be said but ... im chicken out the last minute....i really want to say those thing to my family .....but it floor me down when i cant said to them... i even cant text them those phrase.... yeah i know i got issues with this thing but dont tell me something i know ok?.... i can live with uncertainty and not knowing... i think its much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong.... i have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of certainty about different things.... but im not absolutely sure of anything and there are many things i dont know anything about.... such as whether it means anything to ask why we have to do that?.....why suddenly it all on me?.... i dont have to know the answer......i dont feel frightened by not knowing things.... by being lost in a mysterious history without any purpose... which is the way it really is as far as i can tell...... it doesnt frighten me......but..... doubt fuck everything man.....seriously dude...take a foundation.. no matter how strong.... sprinkle generously with doubt... and watch it crumble....everybody born with some different thing at the core of their existence..... and that thing... whatever it is.... becomes like a heat source that runs each person from the inside..... i have one too... of course..... like everybody else..... but sometimes it gets out of hand.... It swells or shrinks inside me....and it shakes me up.....what I really like to do is find a way to communicate that feeling to another person..... but i cant seem to do it...... they just dont get it..... of course.... the problem could be that im not explaining it very well.... or because they not listening very well..... they pretend to be listening.... but they not.... really..... so I get worked up sometimes..... and I do some crazy things.....there comes a time when every dude needs to make a choice.... whether its a professional choice or whether its a personal choice.......in the end.... its about integrity....and its about chasing after what you really want.... even if that means showing you both care a little...... and sometimes... well... sometimes you just have to do whats right for your family.... even if it means sacrificing your own happiness.....your dream.... when it comes down to it....you just have to be proud of the decision you make....relationships are so... fragile.....it just takes one thing....one... tiny little offense...and it can snowball on you.... and if that snowball starts to pick up speed... god forbid.... you better tuck and go dude.....relationships dont work the way they do on television and in the movies..... will they?... wont they?.... and then they finally do.... and they happy forever.....yeah gimme a break..... and im telling you right now....through all this stuff i have not become a cynic.... i havent..... yes... i do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies..... you can call me a sucker...i dont really care....because i do believe in it..... bottom line is... relationship between you and the person you love.... wade through the same crap as everybody else.... but the big difference is they dont let it take them down..... one of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time..... if its right... and they real lucky.... one of them will say something.............yeah im sorry ma.....