Beaches Bitching

i dont usually do this .....
but what the heck.....
i need to do this sometime.....
im sorry for bitching at you about my life.....
im sorry for ranting about my hatred for everything....
i know i have problem...
and it my fucking problem....
sorry for drag you into this mess....
im sorry for you guy that have to listen to me for the last 2 months....
im sorry ... i really am....

disclaimer....
anything before february im not gonna ask for forgiveness....
only february onwards to ends of march....

The girl at the beach

how many brain cells did i kill last night?....that the first thing that pop up in my mind when i wake up...last night for the first in my life ....no amount of alcohol cant get me forget all those shitty feeling....the problems....the feeling of emptiness....the void in my life....even for a while.....it was the lowest low point in my life....i tried to live my life to the best possible moment ...unsatisfied by the ordinary....im are reaching for an epic... extraordinary life...i have my fun... my moment....i tried everything with the limitation that i have....but even so... every now and then i would feel a violent stab of loneliness.... the very water i drink.....the very air i breathed....would feel like long....sharp needles....the pages of a book in my hands would take on the threatening metallic gleam of razor blades.....i could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at 6 o'clock in the morning.....but not last night....last night the loneliness was on another level....multiply that by infinity....take that to the depth of forever....and you still will barely have a glimpse of what im talking about....gile joe black...hahaha....it start with a call....and from there it was hell.....it like everybody and everything decided today was the day to fuck with me....they were like let make this guy day miserable....let fucked him up...let play with his mind....let gang rape this guy believe....and they did...they did it well....im fucked up real hard...i never felt bad about myself before but last night was an exception....im down....im alone and down....logically when you fucked up .... you need somebody to talk to....you need somebody to comfort you... and all those shit...guess what i do...i do what sane human would do... i call those that close to me... i need to talk to someone....and fate decide it otherwise....nobody answer my call...and i was fucked big time.....never in my life i felt this lonely....i need help but nobody wasnt there to help me...i was thinking if life supposed to be this hard?....am i not good enough?...i dont pray enough?....i was 5 buck short on the collection plate....yes... we are alone in the universe....yes...life is meaningless....death is inevitable....but is that necessary so depressing....i dont know what to do ... so i have a drink...i have 20 drinks....whatever i need to do to feel like a normal human being...i do it....i drink and i drink....and i didnt care about the consequences.... because i knew they couldnt be half as bad as not using it...and suddenly something happened....and you know.... this thought crossed my mind at the time....maybe this is what life is all about...this is how people live...this is my edge...maybe getting fucked up is a pretty common thing after all....those kinds of coincidences are happening all around us...all the time... but most of them dont attract our attention and we just let them go by....its like fireworks in the daytime.....you might hear a faint sound....but even if you look up at the sky you cant see a thing....but if we really hoping something may come true it may become visible....like a message rising to the surface....then we able to make it out clearly....decipher what it means.... and seeing it before us we surprised and wonder at how strange things like this can happen.....even though theres nothing strange about it.....so i found my edge....do i have the stone to live there?.....is this my fate?....sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions....you change direction but the sandstorm chases you....you turn again...but the storm adjusts....over and over you play this out.....why?...because this storm isnt something that blew in from far away....something that has nothing to do with you...this storm is you...something inside of you...so all you can do is give in to it....step right inside the storm...closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesnt get in...and walk through it....step by step...there no sun there...no moon...no direction...no sense of time....and you really will have to make it through that fucking storm. no matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be....make no mistake about it....it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades...people will bleed there....and you will bleed too....hot...red blood....you will catch that blood in your hands...your own blood and the blood of others....and once the storm is over you wont remember how you made it through....how you managed to survive....you wont even be sure...in fact...whether the storm is really over....but one thing is certain....when you come out of the storm you wont be the same person who walked in....that is what this all about....its like you go to the beach....you go down to the water....its a little cold....youre not sure you want to go in....there a pretty girl standing next to you....she doesnt want to go in either.....she sees you...and you know that if you just asked her her name....you would leave with her....forget your life....whoever you came with...and leave the beach with her....and after that day....you remember....not every day....not every week... she comes back to you....its the memory of another life you could have had....last night is that girl.....

Relationship

i always envy people who can say thing like " i love you" "i miss you" to their family .... to their parent... their brothers and sisters....it make me angry listening to those words... because believe it or not i never said it to my parent or my brother and sister..... never... it kill me when i saw or heard people around me saying that phrase.... it was like " yo dude can you show your affection somewhere else man" or " i know you love them but please ... dont rub it on me" ... something like that... see ... how freak am i?...i really hate when people do that because they got some balls to say that ... and i dont .... i dont know why.... but there a time and place where those phrase are supposed to be said but ... im chicken out the last minute....i really want to say those thing to my family .....but it floor me down when i cant said to them... i even cant text them those phrase.... yeah i know i got issues with this thing but dont tell me something i know ok?.... i can live with uncertainty and not knowing... i think its much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong.... i have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of certainty about different things.... but im not absolutely sure of anything and there are many things i dont know anything about.... such as whether it means anything to ask why we have to do that?.....why suddenly it all on me?.... i dont have to know the answer......i dont feel frightened by not knowing things.... by being lost in a mysterious history without any purpose... which is the way it really is as far as i can tell...... it doesnt frighten me......but..... doubt fuck everything man.....seriously dude...take a foundation.. no matter how strong.... sprinkle generously with doubt... and watch it crumble....everybody born with some different thing at the core of their existence..... and that thing... whatever it is.... becomes like a heat source that runs each person from the inside..... i have one too... of course..... like everybody else..... but sometimes it gets out of hand.... It swells or shrinks inside me....and it shakes me up.....what I really like to do is find a way to communicate that feeling to another person..... but i cant seem to do it...... they just dont get it..... of course.... the problem could be that im not explaining it very well.... or because they not listening very well..... they pretend to be listening.... but they not.... really..... so I get worked up sometimes..... and I do some crazy things.....there comes a time when every dude needs to make a choice.... whether its a professional choice or whether its a personal choice.......in the end.... its about integrity....and its about chasing after what you really want.... even if that means showing you both care a little...... and sometimes... well... sometimes you just have to do whats right for your family.... even if it means sacrificing your own happiness.....your dream.... when it comes down to it....you just have to be proud of the decision you make....relationships are so... fragile.....it just takes one thing....one... tiny little offense...and it can snowball on you.... and if that snowball starts to pick up speed... god forbid.... you better tuck and go dude.....relationships dont work the way they do on television and in the movies..... will they?... wont they?.... and then they finally do.... and they happy forever.....yeah gimme a break..... and im telling you right now....through all this stuff i have not become a cynic.... i havent..... yes... i do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies..... you can call me a sucker...i dont really care....because i do believe in it..... bottom line is... relationship between you and the person you love.... wade through the same crap as everybody else.... but the big difference is they dont let it take them down..... one of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time..... if its right... and they real lucky.... one of them will say something.............yeah im sorry ma.....

Death

you know how i hate roommate right.....this couple of month death is like my roommate....im not saying im suicidal or im thinking about death or experience with death....but couple of friends and family around me are passed away.... at first i dont really give a damn about it... because im not really that close to those people..... one guy used to be close to me... but that a long time ago....and others... some we used to hang out and some were distant cousin or relative....i never have anybody that very close to me died.... except my arwah opah.....when she died at first i dont have this sadness or grieve feeling toward the news.... maybe it because im not there when she passed away .... im somewhere else.... but when i saw the body of arwah ..... only god know how i felt....all the emotions start to show little by little....you start to think what if?....why dont i spend more time with her?....why dont i call her more often?...thing like that a kept playing on your mind..... and i dont realize that there a tear coming from my eyes.... all the cliche about grieve were there..... actually you have been spoon fed with "appreciate those you love while they alive because any day will be their last" sort of thing..... in movies...books...from other people experience....but i dont really take that stories as a reminder.... as something to take note of....at the back of my mind i dont think that this thing will happen to me....it will happen.... but not to me.....that kind of egoistic make me regret more....all of this make me thinking...how do we live or life?....no matter how deep and fatal the loss.... no matter how important the thing that stolen from us....that snatched right out of our hands...even if we are left completely changed....with only the outer layer of skin from before.... we continue to play out our lives this way....in silence....we draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time....bidding it farewell as it trails off behind.....repeating...often adroitly...the endless deeds of the everyday.....leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.....so what can i do now?...most probally nothing....just think about what comes before words..... im owe that to the dead...... as time goes on....maybe i will understand.....what lasts... lasts... what doesnt... doesnt....time solves most things..... and what time cant solve.... i have to solve it myself.... is that too much to ask?....sure...a little maybe...well of course it does...i doubt that this makes sense to most people...... but I think im right..... people die all the time....life is a lot more fragile than we think..... so you should treat others in a way that leaves no regrets...... fairly... and if possible....sincerely....its too easy not to make the effort....then weep and wring your hands after the person dies......but that would be real hard...isnt it?....yes it does.....but its worth trying for.....

everything passes....nobody gets anything for keeps.....and that how we have got to live....

rest in peace guys.....al-fatihah....amen....

Where the light is

well i stand outside in the smoky bar....drinking rain so slow.... and the light are flickering red and green... but i crave cold to black....and the night is swallow me up....watch me down and so...all i want is to be free from the mind which trouble me ...my only friend... is draft on the left and mojito on my right ... if i break up or even bend...i sacrifice who i ever been...im i still the same... all the blame are always fall on me...well im incomplete... so i move around all the puddle special over my feet... my emotion have no bound...and i weep to keep me from drowning down...im so tired from living the way i do.... something got to give.... but im longed to life....who said i was falling... it aint my fault?...no....really?

Monday

i was check in by 4....
put the sign on the door.....
look up the window of the 11th floor.....
talk to city that know me by name and all the bad thing that i do......
i shed 5 bitter tears into 5 bitter beers.....
look up my watch and say "when have the year gone".....
im wasting away like a castle of clay....
slowly crumble into.....
i was fucked by 5.....
talking nothing but jive.....
told the bartender he never take me alive......
all of this because i dont sleep for 19 hours straight.....
so i call up marie.....
she have sex for free.....
for a couple of free cocktail she listen to me....
talk about memories and relationship....
and why i can cope up with the scene....
every monday i got this pain....
every wednesday it hit my brain.....
every friday i die.....
cause every day i still dont have my freedom.....

Rules

well im sick of all the rule....there to many of them....if we follow all of them life would be boring....no more surprise....no more despair.....no more taking chances.....yes.... chances are... i will not live happily ever after.... the overwhelming odds have it ending badly.... and when that happen.... it will be for one of a million possible reasons....but doesnt mean that im not gonna try....and when it does failed.... so help me god.... it not gonna be because of some silly rule.....

A Cigarette,Shoes and a Finger

Check Out

so check it out... right...
i try every approach to living...
i try... try it all...
i havent try everything but i try every approach...
sometime you have to try everything...
to get the approach the same...
but...whatever...
i try it all...
bought a bunch of stuff ....
and like nahh .. i dont like that...
i kinda came into that for a couple of time....
i thought i would shut myself off...
i thought maybe that cool....
maybe that what you should have to do to be genius...
is you have to be mad...
so if you could be mad before the word genius...
maybe you can make genius appear...
right?...
that doesnt work either....
and im in a good place...
im pace myself pretty well....
im near 30 ....
ive seen some cool stuff...
made a lot of stuff happen for myself...
im made a lot of stuff happen for myself...
right...
that a really cool sentence when you in your 20s....
"im made it happen for myself man"....
but all that mean...
it that im just somehow i found i way ....
to synthesize love...
or synthesize soothing...
you cant get that...
and what im saying is...
ive mess with all the approach except for one...
and it gonna sound really corny...
but that just love...that just love...
im done everything in my life that i wanna do ...
except just give and feeling love for my living...
and i dont mean like...
roman-candle-firework-hollywood-hot-pink love...
i mean like i-got-your-back love...
i dont need to hear "i love you"...
you guys love me ....
and i love you ....
we got that down....
but some other people who would tell you they love you...
it the same people who be the last who have your back....
so ....
im gonna experiment with this love thing...
giving love...
feeling love...
i know it sound really corny....
but it the last thing i got to check out...
before i check out...

AA

my name is ___...
im an addict ....
it been 9 hours since my last fix...
im ok if you care....
but the itch is killing me....
the last 7 days was a blast...
i slept an average 3 hours a day...
most of my time either in office or in datacenter....
how do i know im an addict?...
i no longer watch tv...
i answer my phone even though im asleep...
i no longer have a proper dinner...
i dont have a weekends...
but mostly because of this....
ive turned down an invitation to a bachelor party....
it not an ordinary bachelor party...
it was a bachelor party that you seen on tv shows or movies...
where they have booze and striper....
booze and striper...
damn...
im a workaholic....
yeah....i said it...
i dont want to be like chubby used to be...
i hate this fucking job....
im so quiting this job....
tomorrow... i will get wasted.....